Last night in bed, the moment just before I closed my eyes to go to sleep I had the most stomach churning of thoughts that made my (only moments earlier) bleary-on-the-edge-of-sleep eyes, instead be forced awake in a state of shock and bewilderment. Leaving me caught in the hazard lights of Motherhood.
So what was the thought that struck me like heart stopping lightning, making me shake my head in wonder at its potential reality?
The sudden realisation that one day I will be lying here in bed not knowing where my Tiny Humans are....
As I write these words, I am reliving that empty blackhole of realisation and I've got to admit that my brain even 18 hours later, still cannot compute or comprehend what now feels like a totally insane and incomprehensible notion; that there will be nights ahead of me where I will not know where my Tiny Humans are. That there will be nights in my future where I will not know if my Tiny humans are feeling unwell or if they are being kept awake by worries their day has brought with it. I will not have tucked them into bed and eased away the creases on their tiny foreheads as they try to get their minds and hearts around the world they find themselves in. I will not have kissed them goodnight.
I will not have kissed them goodnight?........
"How is this even possible?"
I heard my brain shouting this question at me as it started to catch up with my heart, as we all suffered enmasse, the heartbreaking realisation that one day this lack of knowledge was going to be our reality and our normal. It dawned on me with breathtaking clarity that this reality is actually going to happen and there isn't anything me, my mind or my heart can do about it.
You see its happened before, a million times over and one of these million times belonged to my own mum, as I somehow grew up and left. It got me thinking, how many nights has she lay there over the last 37 of my years wondering where I was, what I was doing? And how many nights has her heart ached as she missed being the one who shared those final moments of the day with me?
I just cannot comprehend that one day these Tiny Humans who I live and breathe 24/7, who's schedule I know inside out (because it is "our" schedule) and who's worries, highs and lows I share with them wholeheartedly will no longer need me like they do right now.
I really don't want to be an idiot about it either. I know Tiny Humans grow up eventually. I know this is what has to happen and I know this was part of the job I signed up to when I became a Mother; to ensure, as well as I can, that I raise them ready! However, despite all this reality, it is still bloody difficult and a massive heart wrenching shock to the system.
I guess, this is the beautiful yet heartbreaking truth of what it is to be a Mother. Our Tiny Humans are not "ours" and most poignantly, they never were or are. We are merely their guardians, here to keep their hearts and spirits safe until they are strong enough to venture out into the world without us. We are here to fulfill their needs until they no longer need us to fulfill them.
I don't know how I will cope with this new reality when the time comes. It is something that I am not ready to think about just yet. However, I take strength and hope in the fact that still at the age of 37 years old, whenever, I am under the same roof as my mum for a night, she is still the person I share the worries and the wins of my day with. She is still the last person I speak to before bed and she is the last person that kisses me good night (hubby there or not!). Therefore, if me and my Tiny Humans are still doing this for some of their "goodnights", years after me doing it for all of their "goodnights" then I will know I have done my job well.
Until that day comes, heres to making every goodnight kiss with our Tiny Humans (and mums when we get the chance) count x
#timewaitsfornomum #slowdownworld #thebabybible