05/10/2015 07:22 BST | Updated 30/09/2016 06:12 BST

The Day I Almost Ate a POO!

Yes you guessed it my friends, that Malteser was not a delicious piece of chocolate that had managed to escape from the emergency bag earlier that morning but was in fact a piece of turd that had escaped from my toddlers nappy earlier that week! We live in a cruel world people.

I almost ate another persons shit. Yes you heard me correctly. Poo, cacka, turd, poo-poo...Whatever the hell you wish to call it, I don't give a crap. However, what I do give a crap about, is that a finely formed sphere of poo was milliseconds and more importantly millimetres away from ending up in my mouth. YES MY MOUTH!

I am OK (ish) to admit that most days I no longer have time to brush my hair let alone my teeth however, authentic turd breath is something this deliriously knackered mum-of-two draws a very firm and definite line at. Oh, and why I'm here busy ranting about the universe, mother nature, laws of physics or whatever the hell it is that stops a Tiny Human from being able to form a proper sentence but enables them to form perfect Malteser shaped turds out of their bottoms, I would like to state that this shit (literally) needs to stop RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I may have virtuously proclaimed just hours before this turdtastrophe that;

"Its Monday, therefore, I MUST(re) start my post-baby-diet. NO Chocolate will be passing this mamas lips until I can at least get my cankles back into my skinny jeans".

And yes, you guessed it I'd lasted until 10am of that very same Monday morning, when I decided that six tantrums, four bad nappies and eight screaming contests before 9am, rendered me in need of inhaling the emergency bag of Maltesers "hidden" (from my hubby and my supposed dieting hands) at the back of the hard to reach cupboard of "Crap-we-never-use" (see how determined I was to shed some pounds!). Oh the irresistible joy of forbidden chocolate before 10am!

Fast forward 60 minutes and a sugar dip later and you can just imagine my pure unadulterated joy when my knackered but eagle eye for anything naughty and edible spotted a diverter from the pack. A lone choclately sphere of gorgeousness nestled between the fridge hinge and a piece of fluff (Seriously who has time to hoover?). "Wow" I thought to myself "This bag of Maltesers just keeps on giving!" So with screaming baby nestled on my hip and clinging on for dear life I swooped in amongst the fluff and grabbed the lone chocolate all ready to pop it onto my eagerly awaiting tongue.....

Now, you may call me greedy and you may even go as far as calling me lazy and disgusting for a) not being able to remember the last time I hoovered and b) for eating off the floor, but seriously I am (on most days) a good person and do not deserve to be punished by being fooled into eating someone else's feces (not even if the feces is from the special someone I pushed out of my vagina!)

Yes you guessed it my friends, that Malteser was not a delicious piece of chocolate that had managed to escape from the emergency bag earlier that morning but was in fact a piece of turd that had escaped from my toddlers nappy earlier that week! We live in a cruel world people.

Thank God the stench coming from my chocolatey nugget of joy reached my nostrils before the what I am now calling "turdteaser" reached my lips and revealed its true and rotten identity!

Yes I may have been hungry and yes I may have been in need of a small brown snack, however, toddler turd is not on my menu du jour. So what have I learnt from this Toddler Tale of near misses and almost poo scented kisses? . . . . . .

1. I will now be hoovering vigilantly and

2. Nothing brown and spherical will be entering my home or mouth anytime soon

Amen to that Mamas!

Olivia is currently raising money and awareness for Postnatal Depression with her campaign #pledgeapenny4pnd