31/08/2012 13:09 BST | Updated 31/10/2012 05:12 GMT

Surely the Royal Family Has Run Its Course?

What a great summer to be British.

The London Olympics were rightly regarded as a huge success, with a phenomenal performance from Team GB and British Paralympians already going great guns. These athletes push themselves to the limit and capitalise on years of sacrifice and dedication to reach the pinnacle of sporting excellence.

As their weary bodies take to the winner's podium, their hard-earned medals gleaming brightly on their chests, they turn to the side and sing a plodding song about an old woman.

"God Save The Queen"? Did the Queen just become the best human on the planet at a certain sport? Why is she getting praised? Shouldn't the athletes be singing "God Save the Funding of Regional Sports Projects"? Yeah, I know that that doesn't really fit with the melody, but you could probably sing it in a jazz-scat way?

Remember when the Queen celebrated her Diamond Jubilee this year, when she floated down the Thames like an aquatic Mad Max? She had a concert in her own front garden featuring the best of the music world (and Will.I.Am). Stevie Wonder even changed the words to Isn't She Lovely to honour her. Does she smile? No, she sits there with a face like Robert De Niro after somebody threw a bag of manure at his mother. It seemed like the whole event was a huge pain for her, like she was dragged to a wedding where she didn't know anyone.

This is not a dig at the Queen personally. She just happened to be born into this world; she didn't do anything to be put in this position, which is exactly the point.

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The Jubilee was a highly organised outpouring of affection towards the Queen. Why? Because she was still alive. She had made it through 60 years of being our monarch. Congrats! It just goes to show what you can achieve with tremendous wealth, the best healthcare in the world and no real job.

Now I'm not saying the Queen hasn't got a job, she's not kicking back at Buckingham Palace smashing some punk online at Call of Duty, she has a job. She opens places, even if they have already been open for a few years. She visits places. When she visits places she sometimes opens things too (that's what you call multitasking). She opens and dissolves parliament (when the decision has already been made for her). What else... hmm... she puts on meals for specially selected guests when they are in the area (Come Dine with One?). Oh yeah, she waves to people too. Sometimes she waves to people whilst she opens places on her visits (take that, you lazy nurses!).

Surely in this tough modern society of economic uncertainty and flagrant tax-avoidance, the notion of a predestined ruling class seems quite ridiculous.


Her job and actual work based skills would barely crack minimum wage in the real world, but we decided to pay her over £30million last year (she does have a lot of corgis to feed and buffets to put on).

The British monarchy is very much like the pop star Prince, all their greatest hits were in the past and all they are now is a symbol.

A symbol can be a powerful thing (just ask Batman), but what does the symbol represent? It represents an out-dated autocracy, a class-structure that doesn't define society the way it did. It shows that the smashing together of a few lucky chromosomes, not hard work, can give you everything in this world. Young people cannot aspire to head their state, because it is predestined due to some person's relative centuries ago decided to say, "Hey, look guys, God picked me to rule over the rest of you" and the other people replied "Yeah, cool".

The Royal Family do, however, bring in a lot of wonga to the country via tourism. But it's not like the tourists are coming to see actuals members of the royal family? The royals aren't putting on a cabaret act. People come to look at things that the royals have, like houses and shiny things. If we lost the royal family we could make the tourist money back easily by making Buckingham Palace the biggest casino/Laser Quest in the world.

The country has evolved in the 60 years since the Queen took the throne. From technology to travel, we have moved towards self-reliance rather than obedience. Church attendance is way down, divorces are increasing and people can get any information they want online as quickly as it takes a person to find their library card.

Society has changed. It doesn't matter if the Royal Family have a funky website or how much a young Prince claims to love dub step, the monarchy is just not relevant to the running of the country like it was, and it will never be again.

So what instead? A US-style Presidential model? Totalitarianism? An eating contest to decide who leads the country? I think, in this time of economic strife, people just want to see that if there is a job, any job; it is earned rather than predestined. The majority of the people in this country get where they are through hard work, why should they be ruled by a minority that gets everything handed to them?

Also, put David Bowie on all currency.