I was thrilled to attend the launch of The Marriage Foundation at Middle Temple Hall on Monday. I had expected those invited to consist mostly of family lawyers but I couldn't have been more wrong...
It was refreshing to meet a range of professionals whose work in some way touches the lives of those who experience marriage breakdown, such as marriage counsellors, mental health professionals, youth workers and religious leaders as well as my legal peers.
Senior High Court Judge Sir Paul Coleridge, the foundation's founder, opened proceedings by explaining his reasons for establishing the foundation and its aims over the coming months. Its fundamental concern, he said, was family breakdown and its "destructive effects on the lives of children... We aim to reduce the number of children caught up in the family justice system and the misery which they experience," he added.
As family lawyers, we see this first-hand, and it is usually the children who are caught in the crossfire. However, Sir Paul explained that it is possible to have "healthier relationships that are less likely to break down" leading to benefits not just for the couple and the children of those marriages but for society as a whole.
I often work with counsellors and other mental health professionals to repair the damage caused to children in these circumstances and see the tragic impact on children's wellbeing up close.
As such, in the 17 years I have practiced family law, I've become rather unshockable in terms of the reasons why people give up on a marriage and how they fail to appreciate the impact this has on their children. And it's not always a generation thing; more than 11,500 couples aged 60 plus were divorced in England and Wales in 2009. Moreover, the over 60s is the only age group where divorce is increasing.
While this may be a symptom of many couples of younger generations tending to live together rather than marrying, the increase in the silver divorce is very much a new trend. I have certainly seen an increase in the amount of clients divorcing after 30 years of marriage or more.
While any divorce is a tragedy for any couple, it's always particularly sad to divorce a client where they have spent the majority of their life with their spouse, watched their children and grand-children grow up and now be at the stage in life where they have substantial time to devote to each other again.
There isn't just one factor to blame for increase in marriage breakdown; rather it would appear to be a combination of current beliefs in society and a change in our outlook. We now live in a society where it is more socially acceptable to divorce than it ever was before, thus the stigma of divorce has by and large been removed.
We also live in a very disposable age, one where we are far more likely to throw something away and start afresh with a new product, item or friendship rather than try to mend the first one, and marriage has also been tainted by this attitude.
Sir Paul made the point that rather than throwing a marriage away, we should get back to putting in the hard work needed to ensure the marriage survives. Every marriage goes through difficult times but the rewards of working on it and making it work are endless, both for the family unit and society.
The rewards are numerous and include improved health and wellbeing (a recent survey shows the health gain from marriage 'may be as large as the benefit of giving up smoking'), and that those raised within a marriage fare best both in childhood and in later life, what's more, they're also increasingly likely to succeed academically and in their professional life.
We are living longer than ever before and many may fear their extended years of retirement stuck in a marriage that hasn't been happy for some time.
Since a change in UK divorce law in 2000, women who have had a traditional family arrangement where the wife stays at home to care for the family and the husband works have had their domestic endeavours recognised as being equally valuable as those of their breadwinning husbands. Unless there are unusual circumstances of a case, after a long marriage, a wife can now expect her 50% of the assets rather than only having her 'reasonable needs' met as was the case previously in law.
Women are now also encouraged to be financially independent of their husbands. More high-earning roles are filled by women who as a result have never been dependent on their husband's salary so a divorce will not be a choice between financial survival and happiness.
As late as the 1970s, more couples tended to marry in their early twenties, often before they had a chance to achieve any of their professional and personal ambitions.
I have seen clients who married early then want to achieve their personal goals later in life once responsibility for young children has passed. Many of us change considerably in our twenties and early thirties as we form our view of the world.
Clients have confessed to me in the past that they changed in the early years of their marriage when their children were young but decided to stay in the marriage until the children had grown up, which is certainly not a new phenomenon. In years gone by, exiting a marriage even when the children had flown the nest still would not have been an option because of the stigma in society of being a divorcee.
The aim of the Marriage Foundation is to increase the rate of marriage and reduce the rate of divorce through "... a sustained and intelligent campaign of persuasion and developing a presence on the internet which will provide everything any individual or couple would want about marriage".
For want of a better description, it will educate regarding the institution of marriage and its benefits.
In my view, this will succeed most through education, namely, educating teenagers about the benefits and responsibilities of marriage. Young people may have picked up negative views of marriage from their upbringing and take those views into their own adult relationships, causing another generation to hold the same negative views.
So much of our society today is based on rights; human rights, the right to family life, the right to a fair trial, the right to freedom of speech. What about the rights of children to be raised in a committed marriage? This education should focus on responsibilities as a married couple and prioritise those above rights.
Secondly, educating those contemplating marriage about the reality of married life is essential. The voluntary Marriage Preparation Course is run by the Anglican Church and provides invaluable guidance of the common problems that can arise in marriage, particularly in the early years, and teaches the skills to overcome them.
Those who have taken this course have described to me how much it helped them face the usual challenges of married life and equipped with a framework in which to deal with these problems, particularly in terms of communication. "I don't think our marriage would have survived without it" is how one lady rated its effectiveness.
Non-religious alternatives for those where faith is not part of their lives are also available, as are specifically-targeted courses for second marriages and step families. Stepfamilies are the fastest growing family type in the UK, but according to a Care for the Family survey, only 7% of those marrying again had received any specific guidance about marrying a partner with children.
If such courses were compulsory, it would force couples to face the reality of their married life ahead rather than making the party aspect of their wedding day the most important factor, and would remind ourselves of the ability to rely on the wider family unit and friends to support married couples through difficult times.
As part of the marriage ceremony, the couple's family and friends commit to supporting the couple through their married life. I wonder how this really converts in practice and how Sir Paul would envisage reminding us of our duty to help those close to us in such circumstances. Perhaps this could form part of the teaching of teenagers or of engaged couples for committing to helping family and friends in those marriages as well as seeking such support themselves.
Sir Paul is right in his intent with the Marriage Foundation: a shock to the system is what is now needed to bring us back to the old-fashioned values of marriage. Cohabitation simply does not provide the same benefits and security, no matter how the figures are dressed up.
We are today in a very different world to the one in which the older generations married and human relationships are always at risk in such changing times. Sir Paul has a wealth of supporters in his quest and I, for one, will be backing him fully.
---
Deborah Jeff is a Partner in Family Law at Seddons, London.