16/07/2014 10:00 BST | Updated 14/09/2014 06:59 BST

Five Dating Don'ts

I'm thirty years old. That's roughly sixteen years' worth of dating and being recipient to cheesy chat-up lines. Those sixteen years have included some really amazing dates that have sometimes led into relationships. They've also included entirely too many dates full of small talk that wore very thin. Oh, and the man on an online dating website who wrote to me to tell me how much he "Loves short, bi women." (I'm 5 ft 4, dammit. 5 foot 4 ½ on a tall day.)

Not forgetting the time that creepy man licked my back in a club. Oh, and the hippy man who told me I'm a Goddess whilst he ogled my tits. The lesbians and bisexual woman I've dated have mostly been great, but after an initial date or two, quite often they've settled down with other men or women and promptly had babies and cats. Either that or they've become some of my best friends.

Looking for some tips on how not to romance a person? Thanks to the misadventures of friends and acquaintances I've compiled a helpful list of romance don'ts. Read, cackle, learn what to never, ever do. If you have any hilarious/terrible/wonderful dating stories of your own which you'd like to share, please do so in the comments section.

1. "Iona" was due to go on a date with a man she'd met via an online dating website. In response to her bisexuality he asked her if he should bring lots and lots of condoms.*

*Just for the record: bisexuals don't necessarily have more sex than heterosexuals. You can probably date a bisexual without first looting the entire "Durex" section of "Boots."

2. Here's one from "Bev:"

"One of my first ever dates (at Bradley youth club, I believe) tried to persuade me to do it with him outside behind the building. I'd never done it before and so declared that it wasn't romantic enough. He barked 'You've got the moon and the stars. What more do you f***ing want?' What a charmer. Turns out the answer was women."

3. "Jogita" was due to go on a date with a man she'd met via a dating website. They knew just the bare essentials about one another. They met for a drink in his local pub. He proceeded to introduce her to everyone as his girlfriend and to order her food on her behalf. Jogita gave him the benefit of the doubt and went on a second date with him. This time he brought his stepmother along, as "He really wanted her to meet his girlfriend."

4. Another one from Jogita. This time she was on a second date with a gentleman who took her to see "Sweeney Todd." A short way into the film he took hold of her hand. She presumed he was simply planning to hold her hand - it's a scary film after all. He proceeded to stuff her hand down his crotch. She removed his hand, watched the rest of the film and never saw him again.

5. Finally, my personal favourite. "Hermione" went on a second date with a woman who'd clearly stocked her car for romance. On the backseat was a magical hat-trick: a duvet, a bottle of vodka and a strap-on.