16/01/2015 07:26 GMT | Updated 17/03/2015 05:59 GMT

Gym Thoughts

It's January. And like most of us, I feel like the before of a before and after makeover, with no prize on the horizon, just a narrower thigh to butt ratio. I indulged this festive season. I indulged in carbs, sugars, movie watching and red wine without an inch of regret. So that inch along with several others is enjoying a timeout on my stomach, thighs (danger spot), hips, arms, ALL, over. It's a blackout of gain. Still, this will just be a mini break for the bastards basking on the terrace of my chub rolls as I am hitting the gym like crazy in a bid to get my okay-not-that-fit-but-not-fat, actually, quite toned busting body back.

I'm also punishing myself each morning by doing 50 naked squats in a full-length mirror so I can witness the full horror of enjoying Milk Tray for breakfast, Ferrero Rocher for lunch and Christmas cake for dinner in HD. Ho bloody ho.

As I watch my ripples of flesh bounce back and forth like a guilty pleasure (clothed) in the mirrors of my gym, some of the following thoughts cross my mind...

She is so fine - I totally get why guys like arse

A round juicy peach bouncing around like eggs in a basket is a sight to behold on the stair master. If I were a guy, I'd definitely be an arse guy.

Do my arms look like hers? (looks at arms) zero tone?

I've got those sort of nothing arms. Alright, not flabby and firm ish, average. I have average arms. Sigh.

That guy is disgusting

(No comment needed)

This position is just rude

The scissors, the alpine leg drop and squats - they're all pretty sexual no? Just me then. Although I'm pretty sure that guy is enjoying the show.

I wonder what Charlize does at the gym

Does she sweat at all? Squat like she's having a wee? How much cardio? I'll never know.

I love her leggings, I can't do print on my thighs though

I can't wait for Stella McCartney's new StellaSport Adidas range but alas, I cannot wear print on my lower body. It wouldn't be fair on anyone. And I'd hate to cause an accident.

Can they see my thong?

I can't bear wearing a full pant while I workout. I want my butt cheeks to be free to do their thing and saddle up to the cloth, with nothing but a string of thong to part them. It's probably more hygienic too.

Only Stevie Wonder would find me attractive right now

And that's doubtful.

That arm pull looks like a double-ended dildo

Black, firm and well used. It just feels wrong, in the gym.

Will I find love this year?

Yes - if you keep training you'll look like J Lo.

The only hot guy in here is underage, sigh

So, so young in a loose muscle vest with clichéd tattoos all over and good hair. Must not stare. Remember you still look like a 'before'.

I'm all boob

I cannot escape them. They're right up front and possibly my firmest body part in January. Sometimes when I do biceps curls I drift off into a daydream with them.

The guy in the marl grey track pants should be banned for not wearing underwear

I do not, on any occasion, want to see segments of cock and balls flapping in my face like Brussels sprouts poking through a net.

I look like a lobster

A PT actually told me this once mid workout and he was Spanish so he said it with real passion, "You look like the Lobster!!!!' Thanks. Scarred for gym life.

Happy New Year - Stay FIRM X