Working mums get a hard rap.
If we're not being brow-beaten by family for abandoning our babies, we're being bitched about by less child-challenged colleagues for leaving work early enough to spend quality time watching our kids crap in the bath.
So to anyone who ever thought that being a mum meant you stepped off the skills ladder, here's ten ways in which us working mums RULE when it comes to the key attributes employers most want in their staff.
I see your raft made out of an empty barrel and couple of planks of wood during a team-building weekend, and raise you a living breathing person made out of a teeny strand of semen during a drunken weekend.
The poverty line in the UK is around £250 per week. Statutory Maternity Pay is £136.78 per week. At some point most mums will tighten their belts so much, they'll lose all feeling in their vaginas. But hey, at least it takes our minds off the hunger pangs.
Until you have breastfed your baby whilst taking a pee during a conversation with the tax man as a lovely stew bubbles away on the hob downstairs, you don't know the meaning of the word.
There's always a bit of flex during the working day. If you're not ready for a meeting, just reschedule it. There is absolutely no margin for error during a day with a child. Put them down for a nap 30 seconds later than normal and the ripple effects can be felt throughout the time-space continuum.
You know that puzzle where you have a fox, a chicken, a sack of corn and a small boat and you need to get everything safely across the river? Child's play compared to working out how to safely remove a diarrhoea-soaked vest from a grasping, wriggling, still-defecating human form when you only have two hands.
All mums are pro-activity. Getting out and about with the kids for hours on end is the only way you can make a bottle of Aldi gin last all week.
Powers of Negotiation
Children are mini terrorists who self-combust into a mass of snot and tears capable of wiping out entire supermarkets if their demands are not met. Even getting them dressed requires the conflict resolution skills of Kofi Annan. So yes, we're perfectly capable of creating a win:win situation when sourcing low-cost toilet rolls for the office, thanks for asking.
Being a mother equips you with both leadership skills ("no darling, I think you'll find you should be doing it like THIS") as well as the ability to delegate where necessary ("no, darling, I think you'll find it's YOUR turn to do that").
Mothers are very aware that commercials exist. They pepper the countless hours of TV programmes we try to get our children to shut up in front of.
Babies don't understand what you're saying. You could tell them you're going to murder them in their sleep, but provided it's in a sing-songy voice they'll still grin like a chimp with a fist full of poo.
This same technique can be employed to startling effect at work. Next time you tell someone you've gone several thousand pounds over budget, do so to the tune of rock-a-bye-baby and see how a peaceful look of contentment descends over their faces.
Or offer to kiss it better. Same difference.