Terror grips my heart. In a few weeks one of the most marvellous festivals is happening in Edinburgh; it's called the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and I am performing there. Every year the Edinburgh Fringe grows in size; there is comedy, dance, theatre, poetry, singing, nudity, some more nudity and lots of flyering. Here are five things performers (myself included) are currently panicking about.
1. My show is rubbish
Whether you have spent two years writing it or two months - or like many of us - are still writing it, now is the time when you believe your show is rubbish. Those jokes you wrote aren't funny, your storyline is non existent and there is no emotional arc, is there? The fear kicks in that you will arrive at the Edinburgh Fringe - having spent all your carefully put aside tax money - realise the show is awful and then have to perform it every day for a month.
2. There is a spelling mistake on my flyer
You had the photoshoot, your 'mate' designed your flyer and then you paid an expert to have it redone. You were just so excited to have your face on something that you rushed to the nearest printer. Not only have you since found a cheaper deal but you have found a spelling mistake and now you have 5,000 copies of it. That one misspelt word will taunt you for the entire month, slowly hacking away at your soul.
3. No one will come to my show
We've all heard the stories: "I performed to two people and one of them left half way through the show". You are too scared to check your pre-sales as you fear the dreaded 0, you've been so busy writing and paying for thing you haven't done any tweets. Does anyone actually know you are doing a show? With so many celebrity faces at the fringe why would someone go and see little old you. At night you've started screaming into your pillow so you don't wake your housemates... ok parents.
4. The pictures of my accommodation have been photoshopped
You were so prepared this year, you found a great flat really early and even though it's costing you double your normal rent, it was a good price for Edinburgh. Now the anxiety is kicking in: maybe it's too good a price. The photo of your room is taken from a weird angle and the view out the window doesn't look like any bit of Edinburgh you remember. You've googled the postcode and gosh, it's further out than you remembered. Also, the landlord doesn't seem to have replied to your last two emails. OMG have you been scammed?!
5. Did I pick the right venue?
There was so much competition this year you were glad to get any venue at all. You haven't seen the room before but the pictures looked fine - if a little dark. Actually was there a stage, it was difficult to make anything out from the photo. It is a good capacity though: not too big not too small although they did say people might have to walk through to use the toilet. Oh no, this is sounding less and less 'fun Edinburgh show' and more and more like a sit in protest with on site conveniences.
So if you see any Edinburgh performers in the next few weeks give them a hug and a cup of tea and thank the spelling gods that it's your 'year off'.
If you want to help with my Edinburgh panic (particularly with number 3) please come and see Sam and Helen: Out There at 6.20pm 6th- 29th August (not 18th) at Just the Wee One at Just the Tonic at the Caves. Book tickets here
We are also hosting a mixed bill with TV names and a provocative title: 2 Girls 1 Cup of Comedy at 10.20pm, 6th - 29th August (not 18th) at Just the Wee One at Just the Tonic at the Caves.Book tickets here