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WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
It's Forgotten Bakes week!
Because it was a mistake to forget these bakes and they're actually really delicious and were forgotten for no reason. Definitely not because they're really unhealthy or irrelevant or dated or disgusting.
A strange theme really. Wouldn't work for anything else, would it? Imagine, say, a Forgotten Celebrities TV show, with 'forgotten celebrities' battling it out. Nope, it just doesn't make for good TV.
This week didn't so much have Kooky Noel Bingo, but more of a Creepy Noel Bingo with 'quick shot of an intense stare' being your square to cross out.
Now that Paul's got his stylist and set designer onto the blue side, clearly the contestants are trying their luck with it too. The blues were out in force, hoping that Hollywood's blue eyes would reflect from their outfits, like the sky and sea.
If there's one thing I never thought would show someone's age, it's the notion of dipping pizza.
'Who has dipping sauces with a pizza?!' Prue asked - extremely concerned and slightly judgy.
I want to be there when Prue discovers a BBQ base pizza dipped in garlic and herb. The wonder. Oh the wonder.
Signature - Bedfordshire clanger
Say clanger one more time. I dare you.
Technical - the Cumberland rum nicky
Showstopper - Victorian savoy cake
It's quarter final week! We've wittled down the best amateur bakers of the country, who are apparently fine to use Heinz tinned soup in their dishes.
'Do you want to know how to flour the table like a baker?' Kate asked Sandi.
'Yeah, do you know one?'
Our 'disassster' scouse was back as she ironically made the joke of 'dropping a clanger' and then actually dropped her clanger out of the oven. Her clangers were sad, and looked like a greasy paper bag which has been carrying a greasy clanger - most likely from Greggs.
Even with her decent attempt at the technical and pretty funny comedy ('I started this in 1792' and the lark), this girl needed a miracle to survive this week.
I may be being particularly harsh on Kate this week as she's materialised a fear of mine, inherent in all of man: turning into my mother.
Mum to me: Six eggs? For a sponge? No. No that can't be right.
Me to mum: SHUT UP MUM, GO AWAY, NIGELLA'S RECIPE SAYS TO USE SIX EGGS SO I'M USING SIX BLOODY EGGS.
Me to Kate: 60 eggs? For one cake? No. No that can't be right.
Kate to Me: SHUT UP SARAH, GO AWAY, THE VICTORIAN RECIPE SAYS TO USE etcetera, eggsetera.
I mean. 60 eggs. That's not a cake. That's an unfertilised massacre.
This guy just speaks to me. His favourite pizza is pesto chicken with mozzarella and sun-dried tomatoes. We need to talk.
You are just watching and wishing him to do well. But his technical was a state. Never good when you serve up sloppy, raw pastry.
Things got serious, so naturally he cracked out his evil genius notes:
'Ah this marinade! It's got so many cool sauces. Hoisin. Soy. White wine vinegar.'
And... anything I haven't had in the back of my kitchen cupboard for seven years?
Considering how perfectly it seems to be going when she's baking, her signature didn't go too well at all. She knew she had to wow with her showstopper to keep safe from leaving the tent, and Prue said no one could leave after creating a cake like hers. Job done.
She only bloody got another Hollywood Handshake for her signature. Enter the new and improved handshake cam.
That new advertising money has clearly gone to good use.
Our can of cray was back, measuring her pastry for appearances and spinning her umbrella while cheerily discussing the use of the word 'pukka'.
'This is my favourite thing to do... jelly making.'
And THE DOOR. We have to mention the door. This year's Hulk, she has no sense of her own strength.
Of all the people for it to happen to, you had to feel for her. And then she just sat there holding it closed. For - what I can only assume was - 45 minutes.
It's not like she had a lot of decorating to get on with while her cakes were baking. Her colour schemes and shapes are always so... much. So much pink. And hearts. And swirls. Hats off to her for not holding back. You do you.
He mentioned the T word in the tent. No one should utter Trump's name - even when joking about a wall. The tent has forevermore been tainted.
I feel like the judges don't particularly enjoy giving him praise... it kind of pains them. And then he snuck up on them, winning their blind judge. Smug bastard.
You knew his showstopper was going to be incredible. And he was so casual about it, 'if I can just get the icing to look like flowers, I'll be happy.' Well yes that's all you can hope for really. Meanwhile, Kate can't even get a clean edge on a square cake.
How Kate managed this, I do not know. They bang on every week about how fantastic his flavours are, and then once they can't manage to taste elderflower and he's gone. Again, meanwhile, Kate can't get a burrito filling to taste of anything more than rice - but she's all set for the semis!
Best of Noel and Sandi
- 'Assembled by a tiny pastry builder, called Neville' - top Noel moment of the series, even Stacey picked up on it 'he's getting funnier every week, have you noticed?'
- 'Don't look back in clanger' - Noel
- Paul:'This is all about precision...' Sandi: 'I think he's finished'
Innuendos of the week
- 'When it's inside, do you think it will loosen up?' - Prue
- 'I've got a huge clanger' - Steve (but this was on purpose so it's immediately not funny)
N.B: next week Sophie says 'sexy'. Yucky.