14/04/2014 09:16 BST | Updated 14/06/2014 06:59 BST

eBay Truths



I used to be an eBay addict. It sounds laughable, but when you're receiving poorly-packaged parcel after parcel at your office, and you don't have a clue what it's going to be, it's troubling (and kind of like Christmas! Mystery gifts to unwrap! But back to being sinister...)

Over the years, I have reaped endless eBay 'rewards', as I like to call them. A leather Whistles handbag for less than half the original, in-shops-right-now price. Cos items that make me sweat because the material is such good-quality that my previously-Topshop-clad body can't handle it. But I made the decision to wean myself off of it all.

In doing so, I made a list of 10 things only fervent eBay-ers will know.

1. Everything is a 'bloggers fave'. Yes, even that Zara bag circa yesteryear that precisely one well-known blogger publicly owns.

2. Everything is also 'SOLD OUT. AKA last season, which by logic, means it is not in the shop this season.

3. 'Watching' items is not innocent. I only know this because when a friend and I discovered we were both watching items on eBay, I felt compelled to tell her just how many things I was watching. 36. She recoiled in horror. She was watching just 3. Embarrassment and concern for my welfare ensued.

4. eBayers are not your friends. The amount of rude messages I've received is ridiculous. No, I am not part of a 'burgeoning eBay barter generation', I'm just wondering if you'd give me one set price for shipping if I bought two items. You pretentious, greedy arsehole. (I didn't say that bit.)

5. Only amateurs list high-street clothing at a higher price than 99p. I often find myself shaking this old head of mine, a smug grin splayed across my face. Oh, eBayer, if only you knew. Items set at 99p attract more watchers, sell for more and make you seem like a seasoned eBayer. Your £5 used Zara top, plus postage? Pass.

6. It brings out the ugly in you. Those final minutes, where a victory or defeat is imminent, and the refresh button beneath your finger is being tapped faster than the floor beneath Adam Garcia's feet. eBay face makes sex face look normal, maybe even attractive.

7. That being said, sometimes a loss is ok. As that item is being shipped to 92-hot-girl, we think of the money we saved, how we didn't want it anyway. And failing that? Things happen for a reason. (This is all before we hate ourselves for being the kind of person who says shit like that about eBay and actually kind of means it).

8. Receiving a well-packaged item is like winning the lottery. Shoddy envelope work and poor penmanship is the disappointing norm. Although I'm no packaging role model. I accidentally included a Granny Smith along with a dress I sent. But to be honest, if I was the recipient, I'd be laughing. Single apples are very costly these days.

9. Anecdotes = trustworthy. Knowing that Melissa_b is selling her Stella McCartney silk chemise because it no longer fits her, because she's not a 'skinny Minnie anymore LOL' makes me trust her, and thus invites a bid. Her sad story tells me that she isn't some dodgy backstreet business. She is a person, like me, who loved something. Goddamn it.

10. It's hard to go cold turkey. You can get anything on eBay, which is both terrifying and brilliant. But mostly brilliant. That Clarins cream you want? It's there! Those Office boots you never saw again? Totally hanging out on eBay! I'm staying strong. For now. But surely it's only a matter of time before I see you on the home feed...