Dear baby bean,
I know you are waiting patiently to reach us. I know you are close by waiting for the stars to line up and for mummy's body to work to give you a safe space to nestle in and grow.
I want you to know I dream about you often; your smiles and giggles, the soft touch of your baby skin, the gentle slope of your button nose that you get from your daddy because I have a bumpy nose! I can almost smell your head and breathe in the perfect baby scent that makes women crazy enough to want to endure the pain of labour to hold you in their arms.
I would sit for hours cradling you as you sleep too scared to put you down. Not minding in the least that I would be spoiling you, I wouldn't care. It feels so unfair that we can't do that yet. I ask often, 'why us? What did we do?' I know in my heart we would cherish and love you and give you the best home we could. It breaks me to think that we may never get to show you the wonderful life we could give you.
Every day it feels like I have a silent scream that can't ever be heard. Where is my baby?!?!
I like to think we have been chosen to endure this heartbreak because something special is yet to come. That would be you. So no pressure little bean!
We have so much love in our home, it's bursting at the seams, there is so much love for you waiting here if only you could reach us. Daddy tells me you would be playing football and would definitely be a boy, sharing all the nerdy things in his world and especially your first time sitting on his Harley with him. I wouldn't let you on the bike of course, but that's an argument for another day.
I wouldn't care if you were boy or girl .... and don't tell him I said this but neither does daddy, he just likes to annoy me.
We have two beautiful doggies Jackson and Tara that are waiting for a little friend to love and play with. They would make wonderful and protective pets for you. They love to snuggle in close.
I already know what your nursery would look like, I have had years to imagine it. The colour may change but in the corner would sit a rocking chair for you and me .... we might let daddy use it too. I would sing to you and rock you to sleep, our perfect little bean.
There would be a book shelf filled with wonderful worlds and fairy tales. As you grow older I would read to you at bed time, I love to read and I feel sure that is something you would grow to love too. I would share the world of Harry Potter and other such magical places to escape and imagine before you go to sleep ... while daddy would read Star Wars and motorbike manuals to you and explain how many ways in which you can change the look of your bike when you get one .... which would be never have I mentioned no bikes?!
I'm sorry you have to wait so long, we are trying so hard to get you here. Can you wait a little while longer? You are still the twinkle in the stars for now as my body just can't keep you safe. I'm so sorry about that. I'm working hard to make a change to make it safe.
I hope it won't be too much longer.
I'll never let the dream go little bean. You are with me always.
Originally published on my blog page https://thechildlessmother.blog