I have gone many years as a "chunky monkey", I think the very truth of the matter is that I have always felt like "that girl" - the plain, frumpy one, the DUFF. I was always the ugly one out of my friends. I hate that word 'ugly', but for the purposes of this blog and honesty that's how I felt.
I didn't refer to myself as this because I wanted people to say, "No you aren't. you are beautiful". It was the real truth of the voice in my head - no one would want me... I mean, look at me!
I think that feeling started to take root from a young age so that it became part of who I am, and making reference to my weight or appearance first was a defence. I was always the friend, never the girlfriend. Then I met my husband young after a small number of unsuccessful relationships. He saw me in a way I still, to this day, don't really understand. I felt like he might have broken vision or something - that he didn't see what the rest of the world did. Until him my mother was the only one that told me I was beautiful, and she has to say that right?
What makes me feel sad, when I think back to those pre-Ben years, is I felt like being less than a beauty queen meant I was less than - I felt worthless and unloved in general. I have a strong relationship with my mother but I always felt like the least loved in everyone else's eyes. That lonely little girl, with a front of humour and being a tough cookie breaks my heart and she has steered so much of my life.
There is a lot of focus on body positive image now, some camps are big is beautiful, some are big is unhealthy and should loose weight. I am of the opinion that people should mind their business, beautiful is more than a dress size or a gym routine. Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder. I wish I had known that growing up.
I have tried so many times to looe the weight. It has of course been made difficult by the PCOS -not impossible but hard. I have had perfect eating weeks with exercise on at least 5 days and still put on weight.
This time we are trying to lose the weight for treatment, not to fit into some clothes or for me to feel beautiful, I am losing weight to have a baby. The beauty of it all now seems so stupid. I am entirely loved by my husband, that's all that matters to me.
Will I succeed this time? Who knows, I started Slimming World and I have lost 13.5lb in two weeks, which is great, but I know that can't continue - the bitch that is PCOS will see to that. I am just taking one meal at a time and trying to forgive and forget any slips as quickly as I can.
That little voice in my head that tells me that I can't do it, that I am no good, that no one will love me, it's still there sometimes, I am not going to lie, but I have found a way to lower the volume.
If I could pass on one bit of advice to just one person out there reading this, it is -
The outside world will always have opinions, on social media sadly some people seem to get off on writing hurtful things about people they don't know, not to mention those "health" fanatics that feel it's ok to post videos and comments to tell people to not be lazy, put less in move more - these people have never been through what you have.
If people spent more time focusing on their own happiness the world would be a better place, this is their problem not yours. Beauty is not on the front of a magazine or walking on two long legs down a catwalk, beauty is in your heart. Don't let anyone make you feel less than. We are all different, what a boring world it would be if we were not. See you for who you really are, beauty on the insides radiates out no matter what your body and face look like.
I hope this time my weight comes off, I hope I can get my body in shape to carry a baby I have been desperately trying 12 years for. It's funny how this time the size 10 jeans from Topshop that seemed so important seem kinda silly now. Especially as I am losing weight to grow another beautiful big belly... funny how things turn out.