Once upon a time there was a twenty-something girl, whom for the sake of this piece we will name Goldilocks. Goldilocks considered herself to be a strong minded soul, who did not succumb to the fashionable standards that the media set for young women of her time. She turned her thumbs down to the thigh gap, she pitied those who worshipped paleo and she would enthusiastically eat carbohydrates post lunch time.
However, one day Goldilocks went for a digital stroll amongst her Instagram feed. It was not before long that she encountered up to 17 different uploads, from males and females alike, guzzling a vibrant green nectar. These posts were followed by comments stating how this juicy savior made their locks more luscious, their skin fairer and their eyes brighter. However this was not labelled a 'diet', it was known as a 'detox'. It claimed to rid your body of all the nasty little goblins and jinxes that had settled in your system. Not being a stranger to the occasional bottle of magic fizz and special fried chicken on a Friday night; Goldilocks decided to give the door of these beautifully photographed bottles a tap. The more that door opened the more intrigued Goldilocks became... so she put down her order and stepped into the realm of cleansing closing the door behind firmly her.
A next day courier and direct debit of £75 later, Goldilocks was sat at the table in her kitchen with six gleaming bottles of juice.
Having spent most of the previous day ignoring the suggested guidelines of consuming only a vegan diet beforehand, Goldilocks had instead gorged on Tesco's frozen pizza and its finest alcoholic nectar (she made sure the pizza was vegetarian and counted the wine as fruit for good measure). So Goldilocks was already hungry, as well as a little hungover.
She tasted the juice from the first bottle.....
"Mmmmmm this bottle tastes just as good as it looks!" she exclaimed. Bottle number one consisted of spinach, cucumber, celery, apple and lemon. Not wanting to already be beaten by what was essentially bottled pond water, Goldilocks knocked back the green liquid as if it were pixie juice. Once finished she wiped her lips and flashed a smile saying "that wasn't so bad!".
When a couple of hours had passed, Goldilocks was ready for number two. So, she tasted the juice from the second bottle.
"This juice is so sweet!" she said surprised. The second was of a golden colour, simple in ingredients but big on taste. The simple 'pineapple and ginger' resembled a zingy mocktail Goldilocks imagined sipping on in the local woodland bar. One that had technically cost her £12.50, extortionate even by woodland rates.
So, pondering done, she tasted the third bottle of juice.
"Ahhh, this juice is just...... holy hell..... physically painful to drink!!!!!" she said half choking and quickly screwing the lid back on.
Number 3 was 'beetroot, carrot, apple, lemon and ginger'.... and by god did it burn. Clearly trying to disguise the unruly taste of beetroot and carrot, what had developed was a nectar so potent and sharp that it made her begin to believe her gums were bleeding. Finding herself unable to make the previous two last longer than fifteen minutes, Goldilocks managed to drag number three out for a solid hour and twenty three minutes, in between sips contemplating whether it would be less agonising to sew her mouth shut.
After she'd drunk the first three juice's Goldilocks decided she was feeling a little tired. Usually when this predicament arose she would treat herself to a warming cup of coffee.... but not on the juice lord's watch. All she had to perk herself during this drowsy period was a hot water.... and lemon. Lemon. After only consuming liquid for the majority of the day she had a hot water and lemon which the guidebook described a as a 'treat', Goldilocks grew p*ssed off.
Now, there is something you should know about Goldilocks. A deep dark secret that she tried to hide from all those she loved and cared about. She tried to disguise it when waiting for brunch, stamp it down when her friends suggested going to any eatery that you had to queue for... Goldilocks even resorted to leaving the room for everyone's sake when someone suggested tapas.
Yes, Goldilocks suffered from a severe case of hanger (the deadly amalgamation of hunger and anger). She had lived with it ever since her locks were mere fluff on her bonnet; and this hanger was beginning to erupt from her like hot molten lava from a volcanic eruption. She wanted to take the empty bottles of juice and ram them down the throat of the unfortunate soul sitting next to her on public transport, whom was blissfully unaware the atrocities she was causing him in her mind as he loudly ate his bag of Doritos.
Squashing these sadistic tendencies she gazed upon the other three bottles. Goldilocks sat in a chair, sighed a huge sigh, and begun on the fourth.
"This juice is.... is..... wait is this predominantly water?" she questioned.
She turned the bottle over and read the ingredients. 'Lime, Lemon, Agave, Cayenne Pepper...' and then Goldilocks read the secret main ingredient, one that she thought they must have climbed to the tallest mountain in all the lands to retrieve. How they came across such a potion was beyond her...... and that was of h2o.
"Water. Are you twisting my nipples?" Goldilocks looked at her bottle describing the magic ingredient, slowly looked toward her kitchen tap and then looked at the invoice stating SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS that had been taken from her account and she begun to weep. Somewhere out there, there was a man sitting on a throne of wilted greens and citrus fruits... and he was laughing at her.
Then came the fifth bottle.
Goldilocks should have seen the warning signs, the small puff of green smoke that emitted from the bottle as she slowly undid it. She brought the green elixir to her lips and drank.
What Goldilocks experienced was a fate worse than death.
The concoction of spinach, cucumber, celery, parsley, lemon and lime was like no other. It was the result of witchcraft, it tasted like all the hate and malice in the world had been liquified and bottled. This was the naughty step of juices. The Guantanamo Bay of liquid..... and Goldilocks didn't know how to end it.
She assessed the situation, always priding herself on her ability to resolve tricky situations quickly and rationally (she had recently got herself into a sticky scenario with a pack of bears which she managed to eradicate herself from pretty swiftly) and she eventually thought of a resolution to the predicament before her.
So Goldilocks chugged the juice back as if she were stood in the woodland bar knocking back Jaeger Bombs. She was a maverick amongst juice drinkers, she slurped and slurped with her nose pinched whilst tears streamed down her face. Once finished Goldilocks steadied herself, wondering whether she required medical attention.
Goldilocks showered off what had just happened and curled up in bed hugging herself, just wanting the day to be over and cursing anyone who could last more than 24 hours on such a ridiculous regime. Goldilocks eventually tried the last and final bottle.
"Ahhh, this bottle is just right!" she cried out in relief. The last bottle was a cashew, cinnamon, vanilla, date, himalayan pink salt and h2o 'milk', but by jeez was it glorious. She didn't care whether she was seeing the drink through rose tinted glasses considering the ordeal she had been going through since 9 am that morning. Goldilocks savored every mouthful and slept a peaceful and dreamless sleep that night.
When Goldilocks awoke, she ran to the mirror to witness her transformation. Whom would she resemble most? Cinderella? Snow White? Would her hair be as long as that nitwit who got herself locked up in that bloody tall tower?
Goldilocks, still looked like Goldilocks. Her hair flowed no more and eyes sparkled no less, figuring that it would probably take more than one days worth of juice to completely revamp herself, at £75 a pop Goldilocks was unwilling to find out. However, Goldilocks did feel a little less bloated from not eating milky sweet porridge all day and had a bundle of energy she did not expect for furniture shopping (she was in the market for a new chair and bed).
Goldilocks concluded that she was pleased she outlasted the 6 bottles, now being able to relate as to why other woodland folk might want to take part, but she decided it wasn't for her. Goldilocks may have felt her form change, her stomach being slightly flatter, but her mind frame not. She researched into how the juicing would have benefitted her, discovering there were a lot of 'maybes' and 'mights' amongst the results. Goldilocks learnt she MIGHT absorb more vitamins and she MAY have rid her body of some nasty toxins. That they COULD have enhanced her appearance and she PROBABLY MAY EVENTUALLY even lose a some weight; however Goldilocks decided that her happiness and size would not hang in the balance of a lot of possibilities that have no probability, as well as pumping a lot of her hard earned pennies into an industry that was implying she could be a better version of herself than she already was. Goldilocks had given it a go, but felt it benefitted her soul and good nature no more than the balanced diet she already ate, which she also happened to prefer.
So Goldilocks smiled and put on a pot of long awaited coffee whilst buttering a warm pastry. She held up her coffee to the juicing god who was still sat comfortably on his wilted vegetable thrown and said 'I did the juice bit mate, but you can sod your post cleanse vegan diet' and chowed down on the flaky croissant...
... and she lived happily ever after.