24/02/2016 09:49 GMT | Updated 23/02/2017 05:12 GMT

If I Had Written Fifty Shades...

His icy blue eyes burned into hers. She bit her quivering lip in anticipation, yearning for his teeth to dig into her alabaster white skin, his hands to roughly grasp her heaving, trembling, voluptuous, sensual...

Oh God. Where has that saved now? Why Pages, why?

The sweat trickled down in a glistening stream. His hand reached up and...

Finder. I knew your smug, smirking little face had something to do with it. Lost something? Yes Finder, because you make NO SENSE.

As his hand reached in one smooth movement between her...

"Sophie, do you want a cup of tea?"

Oh thank God.

*Walks downstairs dragging slippered feet.*

"How's the porn coming along love?"

*Sips tea pensively.*

"Mmmm. I think we're in danger of entering classic 'bodice ripper' territory, I'm afraid. The question, really, is: he sees her wearing this spacey, David Bowie-esque astro-leotard thing, and he automatically gets, y'know, ready for action...would that actually happen? I mean, I know it's supposed to be a fantasy, but I don't want it to be like 24 where no one ever goes to the toilet. I mean that's mental right? In an entire 24 hour period they never go..."

"I think you're swerving a little off-piste, dear. Would he automatically get happy is your question? Well, is he a touch vanilla or is the whole, you know, Daft Punk vibe thing, something he might be into?"

"I see what you did there linking 'get happy' and Daft Punk, but, FYI, the song's actually called 'Get Lucky'. Anyway. I just don't know, Grandma. I've driven myself frantic trying to work it all out and, to be honest, I thought I could get away with some generic Tom Selleck type character: pornstached but not smutty, debonaire almost. God it's exhausting. People who work in call centres and shops are so lucky because when they get off their shift their work is DONE. Soft porn is a never ending creative Odyssey."

"Well, yes but there's no point crumbling like that now. Remember that horrendous job doing PR for chocolate fountains? You were almost sick with stress there. Now think. What could this man's be into? The Tom Selleck idea just isn't good enough, is it?"

"No, Grandma."

"Right. And you're better than that. I mean there's plenty of inspiration out there. Have you been online and had a browse to get those creative juices, beg pardon, flowing?"

"I have but it's quite overwhelming, really. People are into all sorts, you wouldn't believe."

"Yes, but come on now, you've never been one to shy away from a little competition. First Cambridge, then that Bank of England graduate training scheme, need I mention the INTERNATIONAL FEDERATION OF THE RED CROSS, darling?"

"True, you've got a point."

"Of course I do dear, because you're gorgeous."

"Thanks, Grandma."

"Right. So drink up, get back upstairs and don't come down until there's at least two three-ways, some bi-curious exploration and a clever yet provocative pun for the title."

"Okie, doke. Thanks Grandma. I've got a pot of that spicy lentil soup from M&S, so don't worry about me for lunch."

*Drags slippered feet back up stairs. Flops down in front of computer with a heavy sigh and types.*

Do Me Fast and Furious Too, an erotic novel by Sophie Bauer.