14/08/2013 10:59 BST | Updated 14/10/2013 06:12 BST

Things You Shouldn't Do in Week One of the Edinburgh Fringe

1. Pull a knob off.

When one uses a fan on stage it is best not to grab and remove the thing that you use to turn it on and turn it off. No I'm not talking about a fan, like a groupie fan. I'm talking about the vintage style electric whirring wind machine you use to recreate melodramatic moments to the soundtrack of Power of Love. If you do happen to lose the knob, don't then try to cover up the situation by pretending the uncontrollable machine is a man, mounting it and putting it face down on stage in the hope the problem will go away.

2. Get blotted on night two. I was supposed to stay sober. I'm a professional. I have to pace myself. There's 23 more shows to go. My voice is my instrument. And then I got drunk, stayed up till four and spent the next day hungover, flyering with sunglasses and vodka breath.

3. Attempt to continue eating low carb. Your pre fringe weight loss plan was a nice preparatory idea. Getting yourself ready for those long days in skin tight sparkly dresses and unitards. But do not set unrealistic goals. This especially applies to anyone on the 2:5, the Atkins or even a normal healthy eating plan recommended by TV's Dr Chris. So far I've consumed, a deep fried steak pie, a box of Taste the Difference double choc chip cookies and eight bananas. It's only 11.14am.

3. Snog an audience member during the opening number. Hashtag true story. It was the second night. I was feeling excitable. The moment took me and suddenly I'm sitting on his lap and we're partaking in some lip on lip. This clearly has ethical implications.

5. Miss the chance to snog a member of Hollyoaks. In all my days of straddling and forcing myself upon innocent male audience members I have never had the pleasure of sitting on the knee of a Hollyoak Hunk. The God's smiled upon me on night three and what did I do? I bailed. I couldn't face the rippling muscles. It was too overwhelming. I regret that now. Especially since stalking him on Google and finding mesmerising pictures of him wielding an oversized loofer.