28/10/2013 08:54 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

People of Fashion Week

A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to bag myself a couple of tickets to some London Fashion Week shows. Not really knowing what to expect from this coveted event, I wrestled around in my wardrobe for a few hours, strapped on two vertiginous pain-bringers to my long-suffering feet and teetered my way over to Somerset House. Upon being met with a two-hour queue, my little piggies began to whimper, little did I know that this queue was going to be one of the highlights of the whole event.

Lingering in a sartorial Shangri-La, all manner of fashionistas are paraded before you, making the queueing not the total ball of the foot ache that one would expect, but actually a wholly entertaining experience. So, here I offer my breakdown of the types of people to expect to encounter at London Fashion Week.

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1.The PR Girls

Dressed head-to-toe in black, first impressions present this posse as smiley, accommodating potential gal pals. When they find out that you are a total nobody in the world of fashion however, they promptly put a halt on all those fucks they were going to give and change like lightening into terrifyingly intimidating vamp-ladies. Be nice to them though, they are the ones who scamper around after everyone, and in killer heels to boot, so their bitchiness is understandable. Also, these chick are in charge of the goody bags. Always be nice to the people in charge of the goody bags.

2. The Fashion Editor

The ultimate in cool, calm and collected, a ripple of whispers and sideward glances spread in the wake of the fashion editor. Few know what really dwells behind those permanently intact super-chic sunglasses and few dare to find out.

3. The Fashion Bloggah

This posse chug coconut water like it's the elixir of eternal youth and work off the calories they've been counting whilst eating bag-loads of instagrammed cronuts by strutting laps around Somerset House. Their eyes roll when asked for a snap by the street-style photographer but the internal ecstasy at this acknowledgement of their glam credentials is written all over their impeccably made up faces.

4. The Dogs

Okay, they don't really count because they're not technically human or whatever, but the pooches of London Fashion Week were some of the snappiest dressers I have ever seen. There was many a matching outfit going on and those bitches were looking glam! Interesting point to note - pugs are the new chihuahua.

5. The Eccentric Oldies

These venerable vixens are the absolute best. With a fabulously individual sense of style these sisters really do do it for themselves. Confidence radiates from their eye-catching ensembles because they have put in the time to work out their own sense of style, what suits them and how to have fun with their wardrobe. The most striking thing I noticed? They were all wearing comfortable shoes. These ladies know what's up, and I want to be just like them when I grow up.

6. The Socialite

The uniform for this bunch is made up of denim, leather and floppy fedoras. One hand holds a glass of champagne/starbucks/diet drink while the other flicks a Marlboro light. They remind me of glasses of champagne that are left behind after a party - still glamorous and sophisticated, but flat and a little bleak. The faun-like fragile girls move around together with the models laughing and wiping last night's coke from their noses.

7. The Children of Fashion

Perched on some of the most exclusive seats in fashion, the little'uns can be seen doing anything but looking at the runway. You've got to be a v.v.v.i.p. to possess the societal sway to bag your kid a seat on the F.R.O.W. but just because the big-player parent is interested in what's happening on the catwalk, does not mean that their offspring gives a shit. After being disappointed not to find anything fun during a dig around in the goodie bag, these flawlessly dressed little scamps can be seen fidgeting throughout the week while the not-so-fortunately seated look on and seethe.