02/03/2017 10:32 GMT | Updated 02/03/2018 05:12 GMT

C Is For Chris (An A-Z Guide Of Bad Dates, Exes & Aubergine Emojis)

C is for "commitmentphobe" - a new phrase being used by men to say they want to bang as many people as possible, but it's fine because they have an "illness" to say that they have a legitimate fear of committing to one person. And they say this with a straight face. I honestly believe more and more people should see a therapist. The bill aside, it works wonders.

The same men also sign up to mobile phone contracts for two years at a time. So, how fucking scared can they be of commitment? I mean, sign up to this bad boy for two years and I'll probably let you upgrade after six months because I'll be bored too. Or, I'll jump to a smartphone (aka - your best friend Daniel).

As you know. Well, maybe you don't. I am working through my phone book to show you what a whore I've been over the years... I mean, I am working through my phonebook to tell you what I've learnt. Right now, I am learning not to work from Pret, especially when the only table you can get is directly behind the counter and you are getting high from the coffee bean fumes.

This week, we are at C for Chris. He was a commitmentphobe (see above) and he was the one relationship that taught me that I've grown. You know sometimes your head is telling you to walk away from "that" guy because you just now in your stomach he is soulless. And you're like "SHUT UP INSTINCT. He's The One". Then all of a sudden you've lost the life in your eyes and four years... Well, Chris wasn't that guy. He was the one that made me realise how much I'd learnt grown and found some self-esteem.

Clue 1. - Chris said to me "I'm a dark soul"

The alarms resounded. But he was cute and had a hairy chest, so I thought. Be wary. Tell my BFF, Sara, so you have someone to pull you back from the edge (his penis!).

Clue 2. - His name was Chris (well, it still is. I didn't kill him)

The name of my ex's BFF and ex-love, who caused no end of headache in my relationship. Sure, Chris is a popular name but we're adding clues up here people. I'm not completely insane. Maybe I am. I don't know, I can't afford therapy.

Clue 3. - He had a cat named Zelda

The brakes come to a screaming halt. Get out of the car and run the other way. This isn't a "Stephen hates cats" thing. I mean I do, but my ex and his ex lover/BFF shared a dog called Zelda. (It was cute but when we had custody at weekends, I had super dark thoughts!)

As they say in Charmed - 'the power of three will set us free' - damn straight it will.

There were three signs from the universe that had me on the edge of my seat. Being like, walk away SB, walk away. But he still had that hairy chest. Oh my god and kissing him was like sucking strawberries.

Plus, those universe signs sounded a little hippy dippy even for me.

The final signs came pretty quickly though. It wasn't even the fact that he always had an e-cigarette in his mouth either. He said to me that he a) wasn't sure if he wanted to see me properly as I had a few dates booked to do a TV show and he didn't want me to speak about him. Guys, the clue is, don't be a bellend and we don't speak about you! And then b) I was on my way home from a gig and said "oh, I could be at yours for about 10" and he said "why are you coming to mine. I've already seen you once this week".

Bye Chris.