02/11/2016 13:19 GMT | Updated 03/11/2017 05:12 GMT



Sometimes, I wish that I had more of a political brain so that I could sit here and hammer out my hilarious thoughts about how messed up this world is - Brexit is happening and Trump exists. That's not me though. I'm light entertainment babes. Sure, I have thoughts on the Brexit. I don't think we should have ever been given the vote. I, for one, have never studied politics (LIKE TRUMP!) and we're not good at voting. We'll keep Honey G in the X Factor but we want the French out.

Sometimes, I wish that I was better looking - it would be easier for my career and for my love life. No one looks over at me in a bar and says that ventriloquist's dummy looks like he has an amazing personality, I'd like to tap my Oyster card on that. And it would be better for Tinder matches. In fact, I got in to a debate with someone on Grindr the other day because he asked if I had 'a nice penis'. First, NO PENIS IS ACTUALLY NICE. I would much rather have a panini in my mouth - and so would you. Let's be honest. Second, why don't you ask me something about myself, like my name or what I do. I know, I know - I am very forward.

Sometimes, I wish that I was less of a worrier. I agonise over every decision I make. Who will it effect, will it upset or anger anyone, what about bad karma and yet the chump who stops at the top of the escalator to do his shoelace has no concern for everyone else, who has to leap frog over him. I like him. He is cool. He has no worries about his surroundings. I don't even think he is aware that there are another 8.673 million people in London.

Sometimes, I wish that I was more book smart instead of street smart. I could probably, definitely, maybe defend myself from a mugger. I would either bore them to death by reading a blog to them, try a Charmed vanquishing spell on them or whip out some of my black-belt-in-Tae-Kwon-Do skills (that is a fact, don't judge the funny, little, camp man or I will roundhouse kick you into submission) but I wish I had more knowledge. Like I wish, I could win the pub quiz with a team of one. But I don't know things like who wrote what play, or who the Chancellor of the Exchequer is (had to spellcheck Exchequer) and I want to know. Educating Joey Essex isn't giving me enough answers and I am not too proud to say GCSE bitesize is so hard!

Sometimes, I wish that I could have a good seven days without it balancing out. Do you ever find that if you have something really exciting happen, someone not so great happens? I know this sounds very negative but I went home with a very attractive model type recently (he was far too good looking for me but I am going to find a way to marry him. I've watched Kathy Bates' Misery for inspiration) and then one week later had a severe case of diarrhea and I SHIT IN MY OWN PANTS!!! It was awful. It was a fart that followed through.

Sometimes, I wish that my mum would wear a bra so that I didn't see her nipples poking out the bottom of her t-shirt.

And sometimes, I wouldn't change any of it for the world because what a fucking adventure.

The point of this? Well, I think we have all got in to a little habit about moaning about what we don't have that someone else does. And, I think we forget to acknowledge those fabulous "quirks" that make us an individual! And no one else can be you - and sometimes, that is the best thing.