02/02/2017 06:02 GMT | Updated 02/02/2018 05:12 GMT

Masc V Fem

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Dating is getting even more bizarre to me. Remember the good old days, when you would sneak behind the gym with Joanne and "go with her" after months of flirting in Physics class? Oh my God, me too! Obviously over time, things change. For one, it wouldn't be a Joanne anymore for it would be a John - but our tastes develop. I didn't used to like olives but now I'll tolerate one to make a dinner party classy. Still shocked that "Harvester" sells olives. The pauper just became the prince.

Anyway, I got distracted, back in high school (that was 1997-2002 for me), we spoke to each other, we coyly flirted (even if it was a dig in arm), we "snog" at the school dance or the coach at the back of Paris (and it would be years later that we discover the washing machine effect is B.A.D). Now, there is no dance, we want instant gratification. It's aubergine emojis, do you want to come over, we completely skip the #cheekynandos step and jump straight on top deck.

I had just started to get my head around this brave new world.

Now we've got even pickier... and it's not about my mind.

Until recently, I had Tinder. What, a shitfest! People would engage and I honestly tried to engage in proper conversation. How dare I! Stay back demon! Whip out the holy water, I'm possessed. I would chat to people about my new found fascination with Scientology. Hear me out. I haven't gone all crazy Tom Cruise on you. I would never jump on a sofa with my shoes on. I'm a gent. I am not joining Scientology, but I do like to watch documentaries and read about how bonkers it all is. Shout out to Leah Remini.

Now, I feel like everyone has a ten page questionnaire for me to complete.

Here's the thing my Tinder profile was full. I was witty and had offered up a certain amount about me. All five pics were up. Some with my straight hair and some with my curly... and it turns out this blows men's minds.

I had a guy say "so what picture is the most recent" and I was like "er, they were both taken in December" and he said but "one is curly, one is straight. You look really handsome with straight." Ok Trump, well let me tell you there's these things called GHD's and some days I have my hair curly - I'm usually running late but I rock those fucking curls and some days I have it straight because I feel more handsome with straight hair! But it's been a couple of messages and no aubergine in sight yet so I shall not be dictated how I wear my hair. This isn't the 50s.

While I have your attention. The question "are you camp. I'm masc4masc" really offends me. I am not camp. Or maybe I am. I don't think about it that way. I am 100% authentic (sometimes much to my dad's displeasure) and my voice naturally sounds like this (I don't know if my balls will ever drop, and I don't care).

So, I may be camp or fem but I'm pretty brilliant.

You'll die alone!

Two authentics make a right you see. Two fakes - well have you ever seen the movie "Misery" #justsayin.

Let's all be deeper than a Kardashian shall we, let's get to know each other and let's bring that little dance and the fingering behind the bike shed.

I'm on tour - go to my website for tickets: