If you are like me you'll hate clichés, annoying repetitive sayings and phrases. We can't hide from them as they are everywhere we look and everywhere we turn. The only way to combat them is to fight back, and with vengeance.
Just when we are trying to recover from an abbreviated world where everything is O.C.D. or A.D.H.D. we have to endure overdoses of radio presenters referring to Robbie Williams as the Robster. Now there's a blatant interruption of the beautiful English language, if ever I saw one.
If Robbie Williams is the Robster then why isn't Lisa Loeb not known as the Lobster?
I have no further questions, your honour.
Or do I?
Sod it! I can't hold back.
What about Kool and the Gang? Shouldn't they be the Gangsters? And boy, would I love Moby to turn up at a radio station just as a Cillit Bang advert comes on between a birthday request and the roads report. Emphasis on the Bang!
Speaking of abbreviations, I have a simple cure for those who claim to suffer from O.C.D. Hopscotch it all way to Kansas on the yellow brick road - blindfolded. I will guarantee your phobia of stepping on the cracks of pavements will be relieved in under 1000 metres. You can even call it the Mile Sigh Club.
I put together my most annoying sayings and phrases that I heard in one afternoon of listening to a radio station. You know those afternoons, right? The ones where you are stuck between calorie regret and drive time quizzes.
I compiled them all into one short piece. If you feel agitated and as annoyed as I am reading them then you ought to have put up with what I had to listen to.
Before I die I want to sit on a purple patch and finally get my hands on the sharp instrument that people use to cut a long story short.
I will do this with all of my mite although I don't have much money, I shall carry out my operation with a shoestring budget. Then I will keep going until I reach my goal and I will not give up until the fat lady sings.
After I have accomplished this I will then go and study rocket science - as it seems quite needed these days. And if someone wants to join me I will just say what one blind boxer said to the other blind boxer: "Knock yourself out."
I don't go about life sweating the small stuff because to me, it is not really important to see what and how people do when they step up to the plate that everyone keeps talking about. I would rather watch people hit the ground running. To me, that sounds a lot more entertaining.
Well, life's too short - it has to be because there is nothing in this world longer. No Guinness Book of Records street, no journey from one continent to another, and certainly no piece of string.
I cherish life. I was approached by this hooded mugger in the city centre and he said: "I'll beat you within one inch of your life," so I stepped back a few feet. I like to give these people some work to do because I have a life to live but not the life others want. Others want a house and 2.5 children but I don't know how I would cope with a midget in the family.
Many people told me I was making a rod for my own back but comments like that don't bother me. If one thing I learned growing up in this world it was: things that hit you right out of the blue don't necessarily mean you are not out of the woods yet and I have never been afraid to speak my mind. My upbringing has made me who I am and what I say. The cat will never get my tongue, I can assure you.
I learned so many things from my humble background. I got to know what revenge tastes like and it's kind of sweet, right enough, but needs more salt to rub it into the wound.
So, people, just enjoy your life because you could get knocked down by a bus...unless you crossed the road in one of those month of Sundays then you will be alright because you picked the best day to stay alive.
But don't put all your eggs in one basket otherwise you will miss the boat; although to be honest you can miss a train, a plane or a bus but unless you happen to be the ones who didn't get on the Titanic or the guy in the 70s Milk Tray advert I think you´ll be just quite fine.
Be cautious in life. Your upbringing will have taught you many things and if you apply yourself correctly you can achieve absolutely anything you want in life but just remember and stay humble. No matter how good you are or how brilliant you become you will never be able to make anything out of thin air.
There are the chosen ones who can pull this off like a scientist, a doctor in physics, or the girl from a children's educational TV programme. She can go to the high altitude in the Bolivian mountains, bring back an empty jar, open the lid in the studio in front of millions of viewers, empty the thin air out and make a paper mâché hat.
On a last note, just remember when someone promises you something and they do not fulfill that promise, just say what one wee fish out of water said to the other wee fish out of water: "Don't hold your breath."
And when someone asks you to draw a line under the sand ask them to first take you to the seaside then force them to hand you a stick and let them point exactly where they want that line drawn; but be quick, before the tide comes in otherwise your lasting statement will not be contractually valid. If you don't complete this task, don't bother going back to the drawing board because none exists. It is a phrase made up for an excuse for failing at everything in life.
If you can't do any of the above then sorry, you will have to go back to square one.