THE BLOG
08/10/2015 06:21 BST | Updated 06/10/2016 06:12 BST

A Cure for All Your Money Troubles

Everyone's got money troubles. The average UK person has got less of it than in 2009, the Government is short by about £70 billion every year and I've switched from tesco own brand custard creams to Aldi own brand custard creams. Basically everyone is skint. Now, what I'm about to tell you may seem shocking, but it's true.

Everyone's got money troubles. The average UK person has got less of it than in 2009, the Government is short by about £70 billion every year and I've switched from tesco own brand custard creams to Aldi own brand custard creams. Basically everyone is skint. Now, what I'm about to tell you may seem shocking, but it's true.

We made up money. We completely made it up, it's as fictional as Bart Simpson, Joey Tribbiani and my year 9 'long distance' girlfriend. If we all stopped believing in money, then money would cease to have any power. Guys, we're in control, so let's take advantage. I have a plan.

"Let's just print money"

My mum always used to say "money doesn't grow on trees Stephen", and in many ways she was wrong. Sorry mum. Money is actually even easier to create than that, you don't even need to plant a seed, you can just press a few buttons. So here's my proposal. The Government should print £100,000 for every single citizen and just hand it out. We could collect it at the post office. Or, to save the money trees, they could deposit it into our bank accounts. Imagine that, waking up and seeing £100,000 in your bank account! (Or in my case £99,465 once the overdraft has been cleared.) I mean, I'd probably vote Tory if that happened. Screw it, I'd vote for Donald Trump if he gave me that much.

The entire financial system is a series of interconnected 'Bart Simpsons' - entirely fictional creations. Go on, try and ask your bank manager to show you a real, physical 'libor rate'. It's like asking to see the Goblet of Fire, the One Ring or David Cameron's Big Society - you can read about them, but they don't actually exist. The only reason any of these 'rates' have any value is because we give it to them. We believe in 'interest rates' so much that our entire world is dominated by them. I'm a firm believer that nobody should be ruled by their own creation, what would happen if that doodle on your notepad suddenly became so powerful that it decided whether you could buy a house or not? You'd tell that doodle where to go. And rightly so.

So Steve, how would this printing money thing work? Would everyone get the same, rich and poor? Yep, everyone gets £100,000. The poor person can buy a new house, the rich person can buy a new suit. Fair is fair. I don't care, I'm going to buy a massive trampoline. Or multiple normal sized trampolines and put them together.

Yes, I know that if my genius plan came to fruition, there would inevitably be a fair bit of rampant inflation. And nobody likes inflation, least of all the rampant kind. However, stay with me guys, we created inflation too. Inflation wasn't a thing until we had a unified monetary system - have you ever seen a caveman walking around complaining about the increased price of stone? So we'll just freeze prices and prevent inflation. It would be as simple as Matt Groening deciding to make Bart Simpson turquoise for a bit.

So, come on Dave, let's print some bloody money, I want to do some jumping!

Ok, ok...

I admit that this policy is a bit left field. I understand that changing the rules of the entire global financial system just so I can afford a giant trampoline is a bit drastic. But seriously, there is method to my selfish, bouncy madness. Small levels of money creation can be good for the economy. Between March 2009 and July 2012 the Bank of England injected £375 billion of new money into the economy via quantitative easing. However this money was only targeted at the financial sector, with the hope that it would trickle through to the wider economy. What if we just used it to actually change people's lives? What if instead of pumping the new money into the banks, we re-opened a Sure Start centre, properly equipped a hospital or built some affordable housing. Y'know, ways that money could really be useful. Just a thought. Right, that's enough ideas for one afternoon, I'm off to search for trampolines on freecycle.