05/09/2016 08:45 BST | Updated 03/09/2017 06:12 BST

What Would Your Parenting Out-Of-Office Say?

I don't know about you but I find there is something so satisfying about putting your out-of-office on. It's like a great big "I don't care so get lost" to anyone who contacts you, especially if you can push their query off on someone else. But when I was setting my out-of-office before the Bank Holiday weekend, I thought how amazing it would be if you could set an out-of-office as a parent. How nice would it be to just shut down those endless, ridiculous queries our kids bombard us with on a daily basis, especially when we least want to be disturbed?

So here are my top ten out-of-office messages I wish I could set for when I need to take some annual leave from parenting:

1. After bedtime

The office is now closed so I am unable to deal with your request for a drink/ the toilet/ that toy you lost on holiday 8 months ago until it reopens at 7am tomorrow. If your message is urgent please call your dad.

2. Loo break

I am currently away from my desk as I needed to pee, eat a Twix and check Facebook on my phone but I will respond to your inane questions as soon as possible. Your patience is appreciated. I SAID, YOUR PATIENCE IS APPRECIATED.

3. Dinnertime

If your message concerns the contents of your dinner please forward your enquiry to idontgiveashit@juststarvethen.com

4. Soft Play

My senses are currently on annual leave. If you require immediate assistance you will find me huddled over a lukewarm cup of weak tea and gently rocking in the corner.


Where's that out-of-office when you need it?

5. Swimming

I am unable to deal with your enquiry as I am crouched painfully in calf-deep and suspiciously warm water wondering what the hell I did to deserve this on a Saturday morning. Please note if you shit in the pool your account will be disabled.

6. Long-haul flight

Unfortunately I'm not at my desk at the moment but if you redirect your enquiry to that tutting woman in seat 15F she'll be happy to help.

7. Catching-up on Great British Bake Off

I am not able to deal with your nonsensical enquiry at the moment as I am quietly judging a middle-aged woman on her unevenly baked biscuits.

8. Writing a blog

Thank you for your enquiry. I am currently trying to write a witty blog about parenting and am therefore unable to parent. Please pose for an Instagram worthy photo and go away.

9. Cup of Tea

I am away from my desk for the next ten minutes as I'm trying to enjoy a twice microwaved cup-of-tea. I know your enquiry is not urgent so please leave me alone.

10. Rare Night out

Please note this account is no longer being monitored.