22/04/2017 21:43 BST | Updated 22/04/2017 21:43 BST

My Perfect Man Isn't Tall, Dark And Handsome

He is just not a douchebag.

My idea of 10/10 might not be the same as yours.

Okay, okay, okay. Slow down ladies and gents. If you're looking for a 'How To Meet The Perfect Guy' article, you've come to the wrong place. Mainly because:

  1. He doesn't exist; and
  2. See 1) above.

This is more of a 'if I could rub a lamp and wish up a perfect guy, what characteristics would he have?' kind of piece.

So here goes -- my perfect man:

Must not be a douchebag

Wow, that's a big one to start off with right there. The longer I live and the more people I speak to, the more I'm convinced that because of this particular reason the perfect (or even close to perfect) man does not exist.

The amount of 'douchery' lurking about out there is astounding. These blokes work in all parts of the community -- from suited-up businessmen to Hard Yakka-wearing tradies. They are in the city, they are in coastal areas. Some are even farmers. Yes, FARMERS.

Some won't reveal their true level of douchery until you're hooked. These are a special brand of douche. The 'Golden Douche' or 'Douche Chameleon' if you will. You know the type -- not like Obi-Wan Kenobi, more like Douchey in Canoe-y.

Must have baggage

Yes, you read that correctly and no, I haven't completely lost my mind from SBA (Sauv Blanc Abuse).

For a woman of my age (let's go with 40), if a guy was to come along baggage free I would very loudly call BULLSHIT and run the flip away very quickly. Okay, so I don't run. I would walk at a faster pace than normal but I would not look back.

For a 40-year-old single man not to have baggage... impossible. There would be SOMETHING. I'm not saying that baggage is awesome -- it's not. What I am saying is that if he says he doesn't have baggage he is a lying piece of crap.

Must be adventurous

Are you visualising hikes, bungy jumping, parachuting, paragliding and other sport-type activities? If so... really? You must not know me at all. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Me... hiking! That is VERY funny. No, I'm not talking about that kind of adventurous.

My perfect man is adventurous because he would not be freaked out by three children of the male variety under the age of 13. He would need to be adventurous so that my baggage doesn't freak him out. He would need to be adventurous because I have a very loud laugh and I'm not afraid to use it. Also, sometimes when I'm out at dinner with friends enjoying a glass (or seven) of wine, I may or may not like to stand up next to the table and dance like Elaine from 'Seinfeld'. He can't be embarrassed easily... ADVENTUROUS.

Must not be afraid of a bit of 'real woman'

I tick all the boxes:

- Slightly overweight (the word 'slightly' is probably unnecessary)

- Cellulite

- Post-children tummy (my friend refers to hers as 'the snowman')

- Stretch marks

- Bags under my eyes

- Greying hair

Holy goodness gracious me. What an uplifting list that is. I'm feeling really sexy now.

As much as I'm not a huge fan of the attributes I have listed above, I'm also not really doing anything about any of them. I'm a real woman in the sense that all of these things exist and I love wine and cheese. (Not hiking... I'm still laughing about that.)

If the perfect guy were to exist, he would need to be able to see past all those attributes and see me for the real person I am.

While imagining the perfect guy, some people will list height, weight, personality, income, good sense of humour etc. Not me. Nope. My version of the perfect guy is a real-woman loving, adventurous, baggage-carrying, non-douchebag.

But we all know this is imaginary, right? Or should I go and update my online dating profile to reflect the above just in case? Okay. Maybe once I've finished this episode of Seinfeld and this bottle glass of sauv blanc.