Rethabile is 27. The man is deep in love. He is in a long-term relationship.
He has a great job working in the marketing department of a radio station in Sandton. He drives a neat car and dresses well. It is what is: he is a man on the up and up. Things are, it seems, all good in his life. Life is so good, his sweetheart has raised the idea of them getting married in future.
Should he want to make a lifetime commitment to Nomsa, he must marry her. Should he want to have her hand in marriage, he has to pay lobola first. His girlfriend is adamant that he must pay lobola for her. And she has a fair idea of the amount of money her elders might want Rethabile to pay as lobola. It is in the region of sixty thousand rand.
Rethabile has his concerns though: He does not want to pay lobola at all. He doesn't buy into the idea of paying lobola for Nomsa or anyone other girl for that matter. Should he pay, he is keen to pay an amount of money that could be described as a pittance in some households: he plans on paying less than five thousand rand or so in cash for his future wife and nothing more.
Rethabile is young. Like his peers, he has big plans for the future. He completed his studies at the University of Pretoria not too long ago. He wants a great start in life for himself. He wants to buy a house and start working towards establishing a comfortable home for himself and his future family. Would paying sixty thousand rand for the right to marry Nomsa be the perfect start for him in life? He feels it would be disastrous for his finances.
His meagre savings will not suffice, should he make a firm commitment to pay sixty thousand rand as lobola. So he would have to borrow money from family or friends or apply for a high-interest loan from his bank. This type of debt will definitely set him back for a number of years and make it harder for him to achieve his goals.
He has his fears as well: What if his marriage suffers a breakdown and the love of his life leaves him for another man just after a year of marriage? Would her father return the money he paid as lobola? I think not good people. If his marriage fails, Rethabile would have a lot of heartbreak and debt management issues to deal with almost simultaneously.
Supporters of lobola say a man must pay lobola for the children from a marital union belong to their father. Not these days: The courts have the final say on custodial matters.
That is the way it is in South Africa for those who have to pay lobola. But is this tradition of paying lobola a just system or should society consider dropping lobola or modifying it to suit the realities of life in 2016? Is lobola part of a traditional patriarchal system that should be done away with forever? I get that marriage is a sacred union, but I do not get the part where lobola should be a sacrosanct tradition.
I also get that it is important for the family of the bride to build a great relationship with the family of the groom. It is healthy for the relatives of the couple getting married: Children, uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents and all. I just do not get the part where a sixty thousand rand payment as lobola comes into the fray.
Supporters of lobola say a man must pay lobola for the children from a marital union belong to their father. Not these days: The courts have the final say on custodial matters. Were the demands of lobola small in monetary terms, but high in symbolic and traditional significance, I would support it wholeheartedly. Lobola often results in men feeling entitled to say and do certain things for they believe they have paid for the right to do so. And the payment of lobola seems to infer a man is the head of his household and what he says or does, whether potentially good or destructive, simply goes.
But paying lobola is not all a young man like Rethabile has to fret over. Many families expect a potential son-in-law to fork out a small fortune to pay lobola and hold a white wedding as well. Is that not a lot to expect from a twenty-something still making his way up the corporate ladder? The tricky part is: many families find a way to make a white wedding a non-negotiable clause in the lobola agreement.
Many a man: this includes fathers and uncles - and brothers as well - take lobola negotiations seriously; too seriously in fact, because they see it as a potential money spinner; a huge pay day for the big men of the house.
Lobola enthusiasts often say a man should be compensated for the wonderful work he has done raising his daughter. I reckon a pat on the back or a strong handshake should do just fine honestly.
No man must be paid for raising his daughter, I dare say. No man should be paid for caring for his flesh and blood.
No man should be compensated in any small or big way for sending his daughter to school or university. You should not put a price on fatherly or motherly love and support.
No man or woman should be paid for raising a girl into a fine and respectable woman. It is the normal thing to do in society. It is what responsible men and women are expected to do.
No man should get a cent for raising his baby girl; no, no, no; he should not get a single dime; raising a child is the manly thing to do.
For no man is paid for raising his boy into a man.
Why should he expect any different for raising his baby girl into a woman?