07/12/2011 07:44 GMT | Updated 06/02/2012 05:12 GMT

Anyone Can Be Famous These Days, Just Ask Kelly Rowland's Mole

"It's the X Factor's biggest talking point!" The Daily Mail newspaper assures us between endless stories of other big X Factor talking points and tweetpics of No-listers and their recent weight-loss, waving into a mirror wearing a bikini during a Nuts magazine photo-shoot.

What, pray, could it be, Huffreaders? That Louis sits on a toadstool behind the X Desk? That Simon Cowell, naked and coated in Utterly Butterly, offers a virgin goat to Mammon before every third show? That all the judges insist on a hidden monitor so they can watch Strictly whilst their acts are singing Guns N' Roses' Sweet Child O' Mine? Again?

No, no and thrice no. Indeed what's actually been 'bemusing' - yes, 'bemusing' was the unnecessarily weighty transient verb of choice for their sentence - every viewer out there is where Kelly 'I am more street than Tulisa could ever DREAM *lifts palm, waggles finger, juts out chin and winds it forwards*' Rowland's migrant facial mole will be from one week to the next.

*Pauses whilst the underwhelm subsides*

At one point, everyone was 'bemused' as to where Rowland herself might be from one week to the next. But that's all fixed now. Arguably like everything else on the X Factor if this week's alleged HMV blunder which saw Amelia Lily's single prematurely offered for download as the 'winner's single' was anything to go by.

Kelly's Mole has its own twitter account which, at the time of this blog going to press had 172 followers. One of whom we assume to be Ms. Rowland's make-up artist who would be for the high jump indeed if the mole sent a tweet-pic of itself and its recent weight-loss, waving into a mirror in a bikini during a Nuts magazine photo-shoot, five minutes before KR was due onstage.

According to sources 'close to the mole'* it has signed a two-year contract with Cowell's production company, Syco for its own dressing room, personal trainer, raw food chef and singing coach. Much to the chagrin of Little Mix, who have to share their broom cupboard with empty pizza boxes, Cowell's ego packaging (the overspill from the 1270 shipping containers kept just outside Slough) and the X Factor Christmas decorations.

Kelly's Mole is currently rumoured to be dating Kerry Katona, whom it met online.

"Mole's desperate to spread its solo wings - without Kelly", confides an X Factor insider**. And why not, when surrounded week-in-week-out by young people with such lofty futures ahead of them as a single peaking at number 78 in the charts and turning on the Christmas lights in King's Lynn?

"Mole's outrageous Diva behaviour is upsetting the other judges, as well" continues the source***. Louis in particular is said to be deeply concerned that there may not be a toadstool for him on the panel next year, given the much greater screen charisma of the clustered melanocyte.

theweemo has also heard whisperings**** that Kelly's Mole's 'people' are currently in talks with freezer food giant, Iceland re. their next ad campaign. Which will feature Mole 'partying all over' the faces of Frankie Cocozza, Martine Mccutcheon and Men Behaving Badly star, Leslie Ash.

Mole was unavailable for comment.


*By which we mean 'totally fabricated in every way.'

**See above.

***See '*'

**** you probably get the idea now.