12/01/2015 12:10 GMT | Updated 14/03/2015 05:59 GMT

The Crazy Things Kids Say


I have two amazing, bright, funny, gorgeous boys,. One is eight and the other is six. Over the years they've said some weird and hilarious things - as I'm sure all kids do. Not being on social media yet, they won't have noticed that I've been documenting all of these conversations. I hope that one day they'll look at this post and giggle, rather than suffer from extensive psychological damage due to this parental overshare!

[Key: V = me; S = Steve (husband, dad); C = eight-year-old; M = six-year-old]

At the Doctors:

Dr: "So is there anything else that's bothering you at the moment?"

M: "Yes, I've got these lumps all down my back."

Dr: "That's your spine."

On school projects:

M: "We're learning about dinosaurs."

V: "Do you know how they all died?"

M: "Was it.... umm... meatballs?"

On growing up:

C: "In five more years I'll be a teenager."

V: "What happens then?"

C: "I start stealing wallets." (WTF!!)

On National Poetry Day:

C: "Mum had a dog, but the dog is dead. So now we have a cat instead."

On getting married:

C: "I'm going to stay single. Otherwise I'll have a wife telling me what to do and kids yelling at me."

On career choices:

V: "What do you want to be when you grow up:"

M: "A sandwich."

On hearing what year his dad was born:

C: "Oh my gosh, dad was born in the olden days!"

On birth:

C (when he was 6): "Mum, did you come out of someone's tummy or did you just grow out of the ground?"

On wearing glasses:

C (when he was 5): "Is it true that if you wear someone else's glasses for more than 5 minutes, you will DIE?"

On holidays:

C (when he was 5): "Mummy, my friend said that the place we're going to on holiday is having a war." (We were going to Wales!)

On having a cold:

M: "My nose is not working."

On famous golfers:

C (when he was 5): "Mum, have we been to Tiger Woods before?"

On insomnia;

M: "My bed's not working."

Games in the car:

S: "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B - it rhymes with fridge."

C (when he was 5): "Road."

On illness:

V: "Are you feeling unwell?"

M: "Yes."

V: "Where does it hurt?"

M: "On the floor."

On the weather:

C (when he was 5): "How does the weather forecast know it's going to rain? Does someone tell them or do they find out in a dream?"

On personal grooming:

C (when he was 5): "What's that spray you're putting on your hair?"

V: "It's for styling my hair."

C: "Daddy uses that for styling his armpits."

This post comes from the Lifestyle Maven blog at

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