Your body is a machine, and weight loss is a science.
That's the cold, hard truth.
And despite how much you might crave a miracle solution to your body problems - especially if you were itching to wear something skimpy in this week's UK heatwave - I'm afraid a faddy diet isn't going to do much to help you in the long run.
The word 'science' can ofter be prefixed by the word 'pseudo' when it comes to fitness advice dished-out by so-called specialists, and often causes the real experts to frown and scratch their chins in bemusement.
So here's my attempt to wade through the bull and expose the health myths that are really holding you back:
YOU SHOULD AVOID FAT TO LOSE WEIGHT
Throughout the 1980s, a notion persisted that said a fat-free diet would result in a fat-free body. Now, in hindsight, it's thought this bogus advice has actually made obesity and diabetes rates WORSE. If you take the fat out of food, it doesn't taste as nice. The big food companies cottoned-on to this and substituted fat for sugars, sweeteners and salt, creating a whole new wave of unhealthy cravings.
And because of this, added sugar, 'low fat' versions of food in your supermarket actually contain more calories than their normal counterparts. Fat is good for you, and necessary for a healthy brain, skin and heart function. Unless it's dangerous 'trans fat', found in processed foods, eliminating it is simply a bad idea.
YOU CAN EAT WHAT YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOU EXERCISE
Wrong. The amount of exercise needed to lose just one pound of fat is 3,500 calories. To burn through that relatively small amount of lard, you'd need to run non-stop for six hours at a steady speed of 5mph, even longer if you're going slightly slower.
So looking at the scientific stats, it's not hard to see why it can be hard for even the healthiest people on Earth to keep the weight off through physical activity alone. As with anything, you need to combine it with a healthy eating plan.
SMOOTHIES WILL HELP YOU DIET
According to America's Boston University, as humans we don't gauge the number of calories in liquids nearly as well as we do for those in food. This means they are less satisfying and confuse the internal mechanisms that help us feel full, so we often indulge a little too much. Also, while the blame is often pointed at diet drinks, some juices and smoothies are often just as crammed with sugars.
When you 'juice' a fruit, the fibre, cellulose and the roughage is removed. That gets rid of everything that was in the natural fruit which slows down the absorption of the sugars into the blood. So when you have a large glass, it's going to cause a blood sugar spike. That in turn creates a big release of insulin - a hormone known to aid the production of fat.
YOU SHOULD CUT-OUT ENTIRE FOOD GROUPS
There are many modern diets that tell you that cutting out certain food groups entirely - protein, carbohydrates, meat, etc - can be great if you want to get in shape. But as far as the science is concerned, it's not a great idea unless you want to feel tired, lethargic and grumpy. It's all down to the nine essential amino acids which your body requires to function well.
They're 'essential' because they can't be made by you - instead you have to get them from food and drink. And by cutting out certain food groups, you end up depriving yourself of certain amino acids, which can lead to all sorts of problems. Remember - everything in moderation, and don't skimp on the 'everything' bit.
OLIVE OIL IS GOOD FOR YOU
In it's pure, cold-pressed form, yes it is. In fact, olive oil is really good for you, aiding in everything from preventing heart attacks to stopping you going blind in old age, because it's full of lovely unsaturated fats and healthy HDL (High-density lipoproteins) cholesterol. But when it comes to 'spreadable' olive oil - the type that looks like butter on the supermarket shelves - it's another thing altogether.
These spreads are generally loaded with bad trans fats. And, without naming names, have a look at just how much actual olive oil is in the product - some are just 4 per cent olive oil, while the other 96 per cent is... not nice at all. Traditional butter is a much better choice.
YOU SHOULD STARVE YOURSELF FOR A DAY A WEEK
When your body is starved of food, your metabolism goes haywire. Your system, wondering where the hell all the good stuff has gone, slows down its calorie burning process in order to conserve energy. When you start eating normally again, your metabolism is still in its chilled-out, relaxed state. It can't be bothered to start burning through the calories you've just ingested.
And so, hey presto, more of the food you normally eat gets stored as fat and you put on even more weight than before. Likewise, simply eating fewer calories can often have a negative effect - you're too tired to go to the gym so any weight you do lose comes from water, muscle and fat, when you only really want to lose the fat!
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