Filmeopathy: The New Miracle Cure

22/08/2012 17:12 BST | Updated 22/10/2012 10:12 BST

What's your favourite home remedy? I know some people swear by chicken soup, others a hot water bottle, when I'm ill I prefer copious amounts of tea and a DVD.

My preferred film of choice has always been of the animated variety, preferably Pixar, something I don't have to think about too much and I can nod off during.

Now, conventional medicine says that watching a DVD can't cure you, but my experience says that within 24 hours my symptoms will dissipate and I know my own body so I have chosen to ignore their 'evidence'.

Having researched this area by asking a few friends I found many of them had watched DVDs and felt better afterwards. In one stunning testimony one unhappy friend found that watching It's A Wonderful Life made them feel less depressed. Remarkable.

I started looking for answers and soon found homeopathy was the perfect model with which I could explain my findings; it too has no real 'evidence' outside of the anecdotal.

Applying the laws of homeopathy to my own 'filmeopathy' I found a new and safer way to treat human suffering. Homeopathy states that like cures like, so a substance that makes your eyes itch will help hay fever suffers.

By the same principle a film about the cold should surely cure a cold; I recommend Ice Age 2, The Thing or March of the Penguins.

If you have a headache watch Scanners, for seasickness, Jaws and if you're overweight The Nutty Professor. Just think how quickly we could deal with the AIDS epidemic with millions of copies of Tom Hank's classic Philadelphia.

The next issue was level of dose and it's potency, in homeopathy the less the better, so much so that homeopathic remedies don't contain a single molecule of the active ingredient.

With this in mind I recommend you only use the DVD case of the required film. Now don't get worried that this a rip off because the box has a memory of the film it once contained and therefore will still work.

I've been a practising filmeopathic therapist for a month now and sell a range of totally natural remedies I prepare myself. Firstly I remove the DVD from the case, then I bang the empty box against a table 10 times, As you can imagine this is very intense process which means I have to charge many times more than the film cost me.

The evil Pharmaceutical Industry wants to close me down by claiming that there is no evidence that filmeopathy works any better than a placebo. If that were true why did I find that the Placebo live DVD was an ineffective treatment of hair loss?

Big Pharma isn't interested in cures, just profit. That's why I invite you to join the multi-million pound world of Alternative Medicine. With a week's training you could be treating the seriously ill.

Scientists accuse filmeopathy of being a primitive pseudoscience but I'm not suggesting the use of VHS, that would be stupid, in fact I'm already exploring the potential of Blu-ray.

I take a holistic approach to my treatments which means, well I'm not sure what it means, but it does allow me to sell multiple products to the same patient.

Some people say it's unethical to say I can cure childhood leukaemia with just an empty copy of My Sister's Keeper but if it's wrong to let a trusting parent give an unproven treatment to a critically ill child then I don't want to be right.