In the second instalment of her regular column - Up The Duff Without A Paddle - Sarah Powell discovers a record number of ways to have a go at her partner. Sarah writes:
Hi people, how are you? I'm OK thanks, apart from tired, stressed and still in shock after finding out my 37-year-old reproductive organs have confounded the fertility experts that inspected them over the last three years and got me pregnant, pretty much by accident in a single month of ditching the contraception.
Right now I'm thinking it's twins. There's a few reasons for this. Firstly, there are four generations of twins in my family, on the maternal side, and in my generation it's down to just me and one cousin to keep the twins trend going.
Secondly, because even though this is my first pregnancy and I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, I have a definite baby bump that looks too big to be just the one kidney bean-sized sproglet. Let's hope it's not three like a friend of mine discovered.
But thirdly, I reckon it could be twins because I am at least twice as stroppy as the pregnancy books I've read say I should be at this stage. I am the She-Devil from Hell right now. Imagine how nuts Jacqui Smith went with her husband on discovering that expense claim. Well, I've been going twice as nuts, and there are no blue movies involved.My poor boyfriend, who still doesn't know what's hit him after moving in my place only six weeks before we found out we were expecting, is beginning to walk around the edges of the house, hugging the walls in the hope he can get to where he wants to go without being noticed and barked at.
It's all a bit upsetting really. Here's a list of just some of the things I've snapped at him for in the last week. Please God someone out there tell me you were exactly the same, and it isn't just me:
- Watching The Apprentice, because I think it's rubbish (it is)
- Thinking a bright yellow bookcase in our subtly toned bedroom is a good idea (it isn't)
- Getting ready in the mornings too slowly (how will we ever get a baby ready and out of the house on time?)
- Getting in late (he was late because he'd been to buy my dinner)
- Not wearing exactly what I wanted him to for a trip to see my friends at the weekend (he's 33, he has the right to dress himself)
Genuinely, if I carry on like this I reckon I'll easily come up with a million new reasons to be stroppy before this baby is born. My chap is dealing with my moodiness incredibly well, but jeez, we were only supposed to be finding out if we can live together at this point, and dealing with the minor irritations that a change like a new house-share might bring for two independent 30-somethings. He didn't exactly sign up for living with a pregnant Godzilla on a bad day.
Apart from 'The Hormones', I'm putting it down to the fact that I'm worried about the 12-week scan. It's on May 21, and I'm nervous about it. It feels like the most important day of my life, and as I'm 37 (did I mention that?) we have decisions to make about tests and the like. I feel so responsible already for the well-being of this new life. I just wish there was a hatch on the front of this bump that I could take a look in occasionally to check everything is OK. I'm not sure I'd get much work done, mind.
There's a new book on the coffee table since my chap's trip to the world's best car boot sale on Saturday, "How To Cope When Your Pregnant Girlfriend's A Total S**t" or something similarly brutal. I don't blame him. I'm just relieved it cost only 20 pence. If it had been more than 50 pence, World War Three might have broken out!
Is it just me, or are you pregnant and stroppy too? What's the worst you've done? Smashed any plates? How did you make it up to him afterwards? If you've been that woman in a previous pregnancy, did it get any better? Leave a comment here.