What happens when you're 37, almost infertile, in a new relationship and you go and get pregnant by accident? Find out in Sarah's weekly column: Up the Duff Without a Paddle.
I had my second midwife appointment this week, and it is confirmed that I'm giving birth to a racehorse. We tuned into Baby FM, with the handheld monitor that the midwife brought with her, and it was clear as day a racehorse galloping at full speed.
So, we're binning the plan to create a nursery and building a stable instead. We need lots of hay, apparently, and a big shovel to clear horse poo, but it should still work out cheaper, easier and less smelly than looking after a baby.
That's if the Excel spreadsheet of baby needs a friend sent to me and pregnant friends this week is to be believed.I kid you not, this spreadsheet (and it needed to be a spreadsheet) has 83 items on it, ranging from bibs to waterproof mattresses. I know, waterproof mattresses, in case your waters break in bed. Nice. I'm not sure how my man feels about swimming about in a big wet patch, though maybe it's a strike back for womankind. Hurrah!
Another friend quickly responded to the spreadsheet to say that her sister put black bin bags under a mattress topper, and that did the job when her waters broke. Cripes, it just gets more glamorous doesn't it?
Anyway, it seems that it's going to cost £576,458.93p to prepare properly for this baby, and we've got about £500 at the last count. We've decided to focus on the basics, so it's nappies, a Moses basket, baby-gros and...erm...oh Christ what else does it need? Oh no, the anxiety is kicking in again. Where's the spreadsheet?!
The car seat thing is perplexing me. Apparently you can't take your baby home from the hospital unless you have a car seat, and fair play. But surely that only matters if you've got a car. What if I want to walk home from hospital carrying my baby in a bucket? Do they let you do that? Can I walk out of the hospital with my baby in a bucket? One of those soft rubbery ones, not a metal one as that would be cruel.
In other news, I've been listening this week to various debates around UK professor Dr Denis Walsh's controversial claim that women should embrace the pain of childbirth as a bonding rite of passage rather than opt for drugs.
I know how I feel about that, and it's as sympathetic as I'd feel to the idea of embracing a car crash as a way of bonding with the road, and my general vibe seems to be shared by at least half of the child-rearing population. No prizes for guessing which half.
The funniest thing I heard, though, was this, via an email read out on the BBC's The One Show on Monday. It simply said: "If wives had the first baby and husbands had the second baby, there would be no fourth children. Kerpow!
Read more of Sarah's Thursday columns here.
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