You're already your parents' dream come true. The culmination of months of waiting and watching, now you're here there doesn't seem a lot left to do but poo, wee and cry.
Ah, but that's where you're wrong newborn baby. (I know it's hard to hear you're wrong when actually you're so wonderfully perfect in every way).
The hard work has only just begun. Your mum and dad need training in the Ways of the Wakeful Ones. So we've compiled a list of new year resolutions to help you achieve your goal of total domination:
Cry at mealtimes.
We know you're good at crying, after all you've probably had a fair amount of practice since you were born. But it isn't just the actual act that is important -- it's when you do it that counts too. Always try and cry when they've just sat down to eat. After all, mum needs help to shed that baby weight and you're just doing your bit, ensuring that a meal never passes her lips, or not a hot one anyway.
Be grumpy with friends.
We don't mean your friends, but theirs'. Good times to be really miserable are when mum's taken you into the office to show you off. Or when her best friend meets you for the first time. When you hear "she's not normally like this" you'll know mission accomplished.
Go quiet when grandma holds you.
It's not that you don't love your mum, but you just need to keep her on her toes. So when granny says "give him here" after you've gone puce, always instantly stop. And, for good measure, fall asleep. Works a charm.
Get that night-time cuddle.
Let's face it, sleeping alone can be a little... lonely, especially when you've been used to quite an exclusive, cosy pad for nine months. So you fancy a cuddle? Easy, just cry. A lot. Volume doesn't matter too much as everything always sounds louder at night. It's the length that counts, so don't stop til you're back in their arms.
They've got a new job, your mum and dad. And you don't want them to forget it, especially if you haven't been listening to the above steps and have been co-operative. So one way to ensure they remember is to be sick every so often. Not so regularly that they always use a muslin but especially if they are wearing clean clothes. The sight and smell of your little badge will jog their memories.
Do the evening squall.
There will come a time when – gasp – they will want to go out without you. But let's not think about that just yet. So, in case they have other ideas, always cry in the evenings. This is the time adults like to go out alone so best just to remind them that it won't be for quite a while. Consider it a success when you hear the words, "we won't be able to leave him with a babysitter/your mum".
Remember to get up in the night to play.
Your parents won't get a good night's sleep for years so best to get them used to it with some night-time playing. As soon as you're back in their bed or arms, stop crying but don't fall asleep. Not yet. Start looking around (digital clocks are always fascinating) or just gaze into their eyes. They won't be able to resist talking to you. Remember, this sleep deprivation is training them for when you're 17 and have the keys to the family hatchback.
Start smiling and cooing.
You don't want to push your luck, especially if you've been following the above points, so it's best to start smiling at them and cooing. They will be putty in your hands. Hold off for a few weeks though, they need to be thoroughly broken in first.