The world is full of women who won't leave the house without makeup. And it's not difficult to see why.
When it's properly applied, makeup can make you look younger, prettier, healthier – even thinner.
It can cover up eye-bags, help you look wide awake when you haven't had enough sleep and, of course, it can cover up spots.
So it would make perfect sense for men to get in on the act, right?
But even though most women are upfront about their makeup routine – even applying it on the bus to work – the average bloke wouldn't consider using under-eye concealer or bronzer, let alone putting it on in public.
And if he did dare to openly touch up his foundation, you can bet that the average woman would laugh until she cried – smudging her mascara in the process.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a bit of grooming: skincare, hair products, aftershave – it's all good, especially if the alternative is bad skin, dandruff and BO.
These days it's rare to find a man who has never been tempted to try out his girlfriend's shampoo, bubble bath or face mask – in fact he probably buys his own. According to L'Oreal, in 2010 the men's grooming industry was growing at twice the rate of the women's market in the UK, with one in four men using moisturiser regularly.
What's more, a whopping 67 per cent of men say they couldn't live without fake tan – a figure I find alarming mainly because I wouldn't want to sleep next to a man who smells like stale digestive biscuits and leaves nasty brown stains on the sheets.
But I think I'd struggle to fancy a man who had his own makeup bag.
It's been decades since we've seen men who've made makeup a central part of their look. And when David Bowie, Adam Ant and Boy George did it, it was more about performance than vanity.
Yes, every once in a while, Russell Brand, Johnny Depp, Brandon Flowers and Justin Bieber might pose for pictures wearing a touch of 'guyliner' and 'manscara'. Okay, it can look a little bit rock 'n' roll, even a little bit sexy – except on Justin Bieber, who just looks like a pretty girl – but it's not a look that's shown any sign of catching on in the real world.
Of course, every celebrity, male or female, who appears on screen or is photographed for a magazine has spent the best part of an hour – often more – in hair and makeup. And I have it on good authority that men usually spend longer in the chair than women.
But we can overlook that because it's all part of their job; it's a different matter to share mirror space with a man who has his own Touche Eclat.
No woman wants to be with a man who takes longer to get ready than she does, let alone one who loves his own reflection more than he loves her.
Trying too hard has never been sexy, and a man in make-up might as well be carrying a signpost saying that he's vain and self-obsessed.
So guys, if you've got a secret slap habit, you should probably keep it to yourself.
Then again, if you're that good at perfecting the natural look, perhaps you could give us a few pointers...
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