STYLE

The Rant: Wedding Outfits

13/09/2011 17:08 | Updated 22 May 2015
The Rant: Wedding outfitsImage: Getty

I have realised, rather late in the day, that I have nothing appropriate to wear for an upcoming wedding.

The wedding is in around 30 hours time and my brain has delivered the handy alert it seems to have developed for weddings that goes approximately like so: "Hey, you're going to a wedding ridiculously soon aren't you - have you remembered that it's not acceptable to wear jeans and a tshirt that you're moderately sure was washed this week?"

As ever, I have not remembered that at all.

In fact, thanks to introducing a one-in one-out policy for my wardrobe, the number of tshirts with pictures of animals on the front and jumpers that pay homage to Fame has expanded dramatically while boring, wedding-appropriate things have been banished to a charity shop with equal speed. The policy is absolute genius, except when something like, maybe, a wedding is afoot.

So here I am, peering into the wardrobe (because I assume that's where I've been putting excellent dresses that I've just forgotten I bought and will be simply perfect for this occasion) and wondering whether a glass of wine would help or hinder.

I immediately ruled out most of what I could see because nearly all my remaining dresses are black and it's probably not okay to turn up at a summer wedding wearing funeral chic. Of what's left there are a couple of dresses I absolutely hate and which don't suit me (although pleasingly that means I have some extra candidates for the one-in one-out policy), a bridesmaids dress from my sister's wedding (which I assume is also inappropriate), a couple of things that are nice enough except for the amount of cleavage they involve (inappropriate-for-church levels of cleavage), and an adult-sized frog costume. I'm really not a wearer of pretty dresses.

Obviously the next 30 hours will have to involve some sort of emergency shopping trip. It won't be an enjoyable trip because of the pressure to actually find something that fits nicely and is appropriate and not just give up and beat a strategic retreat to a book shop.

Of course, there's always the frog suit...

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