Rex Features
Dear student son,
It was so lovely to get your text. I must admit that I was hoping for just a little more than 'All OK' in response to my many and varied questions, but I expect you're very busy. Have you started lectures yet?
Anyway, it just occurred to me that there might be an easier way of keeping me up-to-date with all your news. I did notice a bright red postbox just outside your halls of residence, and wondered how you'd feel about dropping me the odd postcard?
Just in case you think it's a good idea, I'm enclosing a few cards here, all stamped and addressed ready.
Because I know you're so busy, I've also had them pre-printed in a 'multiple choice' format which gives you various options to choose between.
All you have to do is tick a), b) or c) in answer to each question and then pop it in the postbox before you head out to lectures. Would that be OK?
1. General health. Are you:
a) Well
b) Displaying the symptoms of meningitis
c) Urgently in need of medical assistance
2. Emotional relationships. Are you:
a) Sitting alone in your room feeling suicidal
b) Generally so drunk you can't remember anything
c) In need of urgent psycho-sexual counselling
3. Academic studies. Are you:
a) Remembering to open the odd book
b) Wondering where you left your laptop
c) Not sure why the hell you wanted to come to uni in the first place
4. Nutrition. Are you:
a) Occasionally eating green leafy vegetables
b) Sometimes getting up in time for lunch
c) Eating only chips
5. Laundry. Have you:
a) Located the nearest washing machine
b) Turned all your clothes pink
c) Avoided a trip to the launderette by turning all your underpants inside-out
6. Money. Are you:
a) Carefully budgeting to make sure your student grant lasts the whole year
b) Trying to remember where you left your wallet
c) Already overdrawn
I couldn't fit any more questions on the postcard, but wouldn't mind at all if you felt you needed to scribble the odd desperate comment at the end, on the lines of HELP, or SEND ME TRAIN FARE HOME or THINK I HAVE SWINE FLU.
Your loving mother
PS Have lectures started yet?