PARENTS

Women Do More Chores Than Men? Not If You're A Housedad!

15/12/2011 09:07 | Updated 22 May 2015
Dad and childRex

A woman's work is never done, so we are told time and time again. According to a new survey, mums dedicate 16 hours a week to chores compared to 11.5 hours for dads.

When I read this, I almost burnt the toast I was making for my wife's breakfast.

More than 2,000 couples were quizzed for the 'who does what?' survey, commissioned by insurance firm Aviva.

But along with many of these oft-produced surveys, they fail to get to grips with who spends the most time at home to be able to do all the chores.

Surely, no stay-at-home-mum would expect her out-at-work hubby to come home and do his own ironing?

I'm a reluctant housedad to three kids while my wife brings home the bacon. I would never dream of asking her to clean the toilet or iron her work clothes after she's slaved away all day to keep a roof over our heads.

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But it did get me thinking: how much would I be earning if I was to be paid for my domestic endeavours?

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According to another survey, again by an insurance firm, Legal & General: "The daily chores that mothers do in their daily lives is worth a staggering £30,000 a year. Women without jobs (!) put in on average 14 hours a day cooking, cleaning, and carrying out childcare. Even with each job performed for the minimum wage of £5.93, the total figure amounts to £30,373.20 a year - higher than the average salary."

But hang on a minute, the article talks about MUMS, not housedads.

So what's a housedad worth, then?

Using the same criteria as the housework report, I've had a look back at my own housedad activities for the past week to come up with the following result:

Chore: Looking after kids

Also known as: Sitting them front of the telly/computer and telling them to stay quiet because I've got tea to make and if you even think of bickering "WAIT TIL YOUR MOTHER GETS HOME"

Time: How long is a piece of string?

Chore: Cooking and cleaning

AKA: Heaven and Hell; Passion and Burden; Love and Hate

Time: Cooking goes in the blink of an eye; cleaning lasts forever, in perpetuity

Chore: Taxi driver

AKA: "When are they going to be able to walk home from school? I was riding on the back of trains when I was eight."

Time: 10 hours, not including waiting time

Chore: Shopping

AKA: Spending £30 in M&S on meat for me and missus and a tenner online for a week's worth of kids meals

Time: My time

Chore: Gardening

AKA: "Why won't this basil plant I bought in M&S last longer than a day I watered it fer Christ's sake?"

Time: A drop in the ocean

Chore: Laundry

AKA: "Why do you have to wear that top/trousers/shirt only once, you bathe and shower twice a day, YOU'RE NOT DIRTY YOU DON'T SMELL?"

Time: Depends on the stains, depends on the sweat, depends on what I can get away with

Chore: Chores

AKA: The necessity to go to the pub for an hour most nights. Well it's a chore when the Doombar's off

Time: 0.000000000000000000001 seconds recurring

Chore: Ironing

AKA: "If I fold it in my special way she'll never notice the scorch mark at the bottom and if she does she can tuck it in."

Time: There are fewer grains of sand on all the beaches in the world compared to the number of seconds that tick by in the duty of ironing. At least it feels that way.

Chore: Washing up

AKA: "When are you going to buy me a new dishwasher? You said you would when you got paid but I'm still waiting."

Time: No idea. I leave it for the Successful Other Half when she gets home

Chore: Counsellor

AKA: "Get over it, kids, s**t happens

Time: None

Chore: Sports coach

AKA: "Does she really have to do so much netball/ballet/gym? I'M TRYING TO COOK A BLOODY CURRY HERE."

Time: Start the stopwatch

Chore: Homework helper

AKA: "Isn't that what they pay your teachers for?"

Time: Beyond me

Chore: First aider

AKA: "It's not broken, you'll live."

Time: As long as it takes to rip off a plaster

Chore: Stylist

AKA: "Stop crying it can't hurt that much and besides it's not my fault you want your hair in plaits."

Time: How long is a piece of ribbon?

Chore: Story teller

AKA: "Child 1 read to your brother. It's good practice."

Time: Once upon a...

Chore: Sewing

AKA: "Ripped jeans? They're all the rage aren't they?"

Time: A stitch in...

Chore: Serving snacks

AKA: Dinner

Time: The time it takes to shout: 'Stop playing with your food. That took me hours to make.'

Chore: Answering phones

AKA: "What do you want now? I'm trying to pick YOUR kids up from school."

Time: As long as I'm not paying, who cares?

Chore: Tidying up

AKA: "If you want to live in a pigsty then you live in a pigsty. NO don't take me literally PICK IT UP OR IT GOES IN THE BIN."

Time: Cyclical

TOTAL TIME: Equivalent to the time it will take for all the elements in the universe to break down into atoms, and all the atoms to break down into protons, and all the protons to break down into strings, and for them to vanish into the dark nothingness of the vacuum of space sometime in the far, far future.

TOTAL COST: Take all the lottery wins that have ever been won and times it by the fortunes of Bill Gates, Roman Abramovich and the Sultan of Brunei combined. Yep, that should do it.

CONCLUSION:

i

Housewives and housedads of the world unite. We're overworked, underpaid, over-stressed and under-valued. It's time to fight back and fight back NOW (well, after this wash has finished and I've hung up the wife's knickers).

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