PARENTS

Achtung Baby: Finding Just The Right Word

07/01/2012 18:21 | Updated 22 May 2015
Giggling girlsGetty

Leaving the table, wails of laughter in my wake, I pondered an irrefutable fact. On becoming a parent, you relinquish any morsel of dignity you may have managed to nurture up until the point of giving birth.

As I attempted to unobtrusively extricate myself from the culinary festivities, Finje called out,

"Are you going for a poo Mama?"

I believe there are two sections of society who find bodily functions, specifically the unexpected or indeed calculated breaking of wind, gut-bustingly funny:

1) Anybody under the age of 13

2) All men.

My brother, for example, is a 44-year-old senior consultant in a busy hospital emergency department. He has the ultimate responsibility for saving human life on a daily basis and nothing makes him laugh harder than the sound of a fart.

If he lived with us, his niece would ensure no end to his merriment. Just recently, lost in a book I was jolted to attention by a sound, which, for a moment, had me convinced of the presence of a small to medium sized wild mammal somewhere in the vicinity.

At five years old, Finje could rival my husband after a third helping of cabbage and bean soup when it comes to farting.

Personally, I have no problem with the "f" word. In Germany nobody is aware of differing levels of vulgarity when it comes to English terms for the passing of gas. That said, the German equivalent "Furtz" would be a word, should Finje utter it before her grandparents, that would have them snorting Glüwein through their noses in disgust. The more acceptable verb in polite German society is "Pupsen".

During preparations for the grandparent's visit, I warned my daughter that should she feel the need let one blow and still remain in their good books she might consider an alternative to the raucous "Hahaha Ich have just gefarted!"

The consequence of this chat provided a brand new addition to Nowak Family Vocabulary.

After a huge Christmas dinner, Finje, creature of habit, let out a rasper during a laughing fit.

You could almost see the cogs turning as she tried valiantly to remember which words were deemed acceptable. Then came the one, it has now been agreed, shall be used henceforth in our family.

" Oh excuse me, I think that was a FÜÜP!"

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