International Women's Day 2012: Funny Quotes By Funny Women
You don't have to be a woman to celebrate International Women's Day. In fact, you don't have to be an international woman - those of us who don't travel much are, amazingly, still included.
No, all you have to do is celebrate women in all their three-dimensional (or, in the case of Twitter, two-dimensional) glory.
So here at Huffington Post UK Comedy, we are, of course, celebrating funny women today. Female comedians, actors and writers - who are still very much dominated by their male counterparts, of course, but only in quantity, not quality.
Below are just a handful of quotes from some of our favourite funny women. They're quotes about being women, being themselves, being with men, being without men, wearing make-up, not playing football... you know, women's stuff.
Funny ladies of the past, present and future: we salute you (and then step into a bucket and hit our head on a mop handle).
"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships."
"I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long."
"A woman especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can."
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
"Make-up can only make you look pretty on the outside but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the make-up."
"Big girls don't cry? Yeah, they do. They cry 'cos they're fat, they cry 'cos they can't get a boyfriend, and they cry 'cos there's no trifle left."
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
"I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them."
"Here's the truth: there is an actual difference between male and female comedy writers. The men urinate in cups. And sometimes jars."
"I will not retire while I've still got my legs and my make-up box."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
<em>In response to a letter from her editor asking for more stories during her honeymoon:</em> "I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."
"The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then they marry him."
"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman."
"When I was growing up in Hollywood, I thought you had to look like Betty Grable or Tony Curtis to get anywhere in showbusiness. But I never worried about my looks too much. Some people said I looked like Tony Curtis."
"I used to be afraid of relationships. Somebody would ask me out and I'd say 'Just take my purse, don't hurt me.'"
Simone de Beauvoir
"This has always been a man's world, and none of the reasons that have been offered in explanation have seemed adequate."
"All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro."
"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
"It's 2011. Women do that stuff... Women swear. Women get drunk. Women pass out in their own vomit."
"I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin."
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
"Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got."
"How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it's not time."
"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
"The gender roles are pretty fluid in our house - I've assumed quite a lot of traditional 'dad' tasks, like taking out the bins and drinking too much port."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"A woman is like a tea bag: you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
"An actress can only play a woman. I'm an actor - I can play anything."
"I'm not denying that the women are foolish: God Almighty made them to match the men."
"Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that."
"I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific."
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it."
"I think, therefore I am single."