It's time to chuck those vests and flip-flops into the back of the wardrobe now that autumn's here. But don't panic if you're no dedicated follower of fashion, as we take you through this season's trends with our mum's guide to AW 12/13...
The 90s are back. Key item this season is your dressing gown, stained with tea spillages from when the kids decided to play bouncy castles on your stomach three years ago. Team with grubby slippers, holey nightie and crow's nest hair. Ideal for answering the door to the postie or for being caught putting out the rubbish by your yummy neighbour.
This is brilliant news because it means we are totes working it in our five-year-old waterproof jacket. We KNEW the bum-warmer would return at some point. Wear with non-designer wellies and a very tight hood which exposes only your eyes and nose. Think Kenny from South Park.
Stripes, checks and horizontal prints
According to London Fashion Week, these bold designs are very much on-trend. Which is most fortuitous, covering up leaking boobs, ketchup stains, vomit marks and chocolate fingerprints.
Fashionistas say big is in this season. What? You mean baggy is back? Hallelujah. No more unforgiving skintight jeans. Hang on, did you say baggy over skinny was in? Oh. Let's just do the oversized everything bit and skip the rest.
Anything but a peplum dress
The catwalks were bulging with these upside-down tulip bottomed skirts but we'll give it a miss thanks. Peplum sounds too much like speculum.
Cowboy boots and leather
The Rodeo look is fierce this autumn. Which is very handy if we get invited to any fancy dress parties. Plus, leather is easy to wipe clean.
Cutesy animal motif jumpers
Owls, cats, foxes, basically anything wild on woollies are simply irresistible. They are also excellent for handing down to your six-year-old when you accidentally shrink them in the wash.
Can't afford a Mulberry? Not to worry. Get a Florence and Fred one instead. You know the type, ones with loads of room for you to carry everyone else's stuff and a miniscule pocket for your keys and phone.
Who needs khaki, gold buttons and lapels when you can rock your very own type of camouflage? Ultimate accessories are rain-soaked mascara trails on your cheeks and forehead mud splats when a car covers you in puddle water when it drives past.
Girl With The Dragon Tattoo look
The AW12/13 runway was full of noir, studs and deadly night shades. This one is easy for mums to work because we never take our make-up off at bedtime and we have loads of black.
Apparently, this refers to streamlined and panelled clothes. But what do they know? Definitely justifies wearing your matching velour hoodie and tracky bums to Tesco.
50 Shades of Fetish
Not red rooms of pain and thigh-high boots but altogether rather more subtle as in touch-me textures. Mums can customise this by applying don't-touch-me textures such as sleeping in the spare room.
Winter In Bloom
Bold and bright florals are so hot right now. No need to buy anything new. Simply channel that summery dress you wore on the one warmish day we had three months ago with a cardie, thermal vest, thick black tights and a duvet.
It's all about elegantly nipped-in waistlines, mums. Good luck finding yours.
This is THE colour sweeping the high street so make sure you...a sort of blue - think Maggie Thatcher and Lady Di eyeliner. Yeah, stick to black, like normal, then.
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