A bartender is hoping to lure drinkers into what he predicts will be the next big thing – semen cocktails.
Yes, you read that right. Paul ‘Fotie’ Photenhauer is currently pedalling his latest tome, Semenology – The Semen Bartender’s Handbook.
And he’s no one trick pony by the way – back in 2011 he proudly oversaw the publication of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
So, anyway, yes Photenhauer wants you to appreciate “learning how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavours of semen.”
As well as featuring cocktail recipes such as the Macho Mojito, the Slightly Saltier Caviar and the Galliano Cum Shot, he also offers helpful advice on the harvesting and storage of this “freshly harvested ingredient.”
“Then I started thinking about it. People eat all kinds of weird shit. Eggs are the menstruation of chickens. Milk is the mammary excretion from cows. Semen is… at least it’s fresh and you know who the producer is.”
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After ejaculation the semen coagulates and needs to be liquefied for its study. Under normal conditions the semen stays liquefied for a total of 60 minutes after ejaculation.
If the sample is very viscous, this could be down to a prostate dysfunction.
The normal volume of an ejaculate after 3 to 5 days of abstinence is approximately 1.5 ml. A lower value is called hypospermia
Semen is normally an opalescent, slightly yellow colour. When colour is slightly different, the possible cause should be studied.
This value should be above 7.1. Lower values could be a sign of azoospermia (absence of spermatozoids) or chronic inflammatory processes.
The normal value is 15 million for each ml of ejaculate or 39 million in the entire sample. If these values are not reached, this is a case of oligozoospermia.
The percentage of mobile spermatozoids and those with progressive motility (those that are mobile yet travel) is assessed. Motility is considered normal when at least 32% of spermatozoids have progressive motility. If not, this is called astenozoospermia.
The percentage of living spermatozoids should exceed 58%. Any lower and this is called necrozoospermia.
Examples can be seen of both normal spermatozoids and those with different abnormalities, whether in the head or the tail. Semen considered normal should have 4% or more of normal spermatozoids. Cases in which this value is lower are called teratozoospermia.
If leukocyte concentration is higher than 1 million per ml of sample, this could indicate an infection (leukocytosis).
Antisperm antibodies or Mar test
This reflects the quantities of spermatozoids joined to other cells or particles. If more than 50% of spermatozoids are found joined in this way, this could suggest an immune problem.
The same article quotes an infectious disease specialist and professor at the Berkeley School of Public Health, who asked not to be named.
In response to concerns about HIV and other STDs which can be transmitted through raw semen, he said: “If the food is thoroughly cooked, well-cooked, to destroy any life forms in the semen, like any viruses… that would be my first concern.”
Though Photenhauer recommends only using “trusted” sperm for his cocktails, the blurb of his book reminds us that “Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and adds a personal touch to any cocktail.”
What’s more, Photenhauer believes the complexities of semen could be compared to those in wine or cheese, and he insists this is no gimmick.
Before you roll your eyes and vomit into your own hands, let’s remind ourselves of a study by The State University of New York, which found semen is good for your mental and physical health.
Whether it enters the body through oral sex or sex without a condom, the “mood altering chemicals” contained within seminal fluid reduce depression, increase affection and help you sleep.
Which is all well and good but I won’t be asking for a Watermelon Gin Jizz anytime soon, I can tell you.