In a nod to Gwyneth Paltrow's weekly Goop email, I've come up with Gloop, so-called because I am usually covered in it, whether it is from my son's nose or the cat litter tray.
I know it's easy to mistake me for the Oscar-winning actress and all-round beauty but please, please, please if you bump into her, remember I'm the one who isn't married to an international rock star, my son is not named after a piece of fruit and I am not skinny and gorgeous. We don't want to offend her.
Essentially, Gloop is all about how to cope with your role as wife, mother, sister and daughter.
Through my vast experience as a provincial failing mum, I want to share my thoughts and tips to help you get through the day, the front door and a couple of large glasses of wine.
Just like Gwynie, I'm going to divide my little nuggets of gold into Make, Go, Get, Do, Be and See sections. It's a really helpful format because it means you can easily find your place again when you're inevitably interrupted and asked "Mum, where's my Hot Wheels Peppa Pig Playdoh DVD?".
Unlike Gwynie though, I won't be boasting about my jet-setting life mainly because I don't have one and Asda shuts in a minute so I've got to get a move on with this.
Anyway, here's my first edition of Gloop. I may be back again soon if I can find a minute in between scrubbing the loo, hanging out and unhanging the washing when it starts to rain and watching some dubious celebrity fly-on-the-wall show...
Make – My absolute favourite recipe which every member of the family loves, especially the cat because there are loads of leftovers, is leftovers. Basically, have a look through the fridge and see what you've got that is about to turn green, such as some tuna, tin of sweetcorn, a pepper and that egg that looks as though it's about to hatch. Mix it all together in a big bowl. Reheat in the microwave for 15 minutes until it's unidentifiable. Serve with oven chips and a handful of grated cheese. Plus a vat of mayo to cover up the manky aftertaste. Yum!
Go – To bed early every night. Until your kids leave home. Because whether they're four, 14 or 24, they will be waking you up with either a) cries of "I want a wee wee", b) loud farting or c) their awful loud music, late homecoming and noisy alcohol-induced vomiting.
Get – This season's trends are all about colour-blocking, hooped stripes and some really expensive accessories which all the mags carry but we could never afford because we're skint. Instead, Get yourself down to the charity shops and hoover up those vintage finds for a few quid. Just make sure you visit Oxfam in the next town or like me you will be eyed up by the local yummies who recognise you're wearing their cast-offs.
Do – Don't just sit around expecting the kids to entertain themselves. Get creative with them by logging onto some of my favourite craft websites such as www.bums,it'sraining/whatthehellcanidowiththekids.co.uk,
www.loadsofloorolltubes.com and www.help!thekidsareaddictedtothetelly.co.uk.
Then leave them to it while you have a cup of tea and a cake.
Be – Honest. Next time you moan about having hips as wide as a Tesco supermarket aisle, ask yourself if you really do need that second helping of cheese-stuffed pizza. Accept you don't need it but that you want it. Then carry on eating. How easy is that?
The same goes for your relationships. Face up to your boring husband. Much better than being married to Tiger Woods.
See – As much as you can in the world; there's a whole planet out there just waiting to be explored, from new countries to pop-up restaurants and boutiques. Just make sure you plan to do it at the right time. Usually the slot between your husband's arrival home and just after the kids have gone to bed.
Until next time!
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