We all have them – how many can you recognise?
1. Having drilled it into your kids that honesty is the best policy, you tell the playcentre worker at the till that your youngest is three and therefore goes in free – and your little one corrects you with "Silly mummy! I'm four!".
2. Your inadequate cop-out of an explanation about tampons is exposed when your child finds one in your handbag in the doctor's surgery waiting room, holds it aloft and asks: "Mummy, I'm hungry, can I have one of your special Cheese Strings?"
3. When you've already handed over the present at a children's party, you remember either a) you've left the £2.99 price-tag on and even though it's a really good gift and you couldn't believe it was so cheap, you will forever be thought of as tight, or b) it was one of those toys you decided to 'recycle' because your child thought it was a bit rubbish and – horror of horrors – it came from the birthday boy/girl!
4. Any swearing by your kids in public, particularly if you've just parked the car and their foul language makes reference to that "idiot, effing driver, who just bl**** well pulled out in front of me, the b******".
5. The phone rings, you're on the loo so you tell your son or daughter to pick up and say "Mummy is just emptying the washing machine, she's just coming" but instead, they announce: "Mummy's having a poo."
6. When you bump into your child's teacher in the supermarket and an innocent voice pipes up: "Hello, Mrs Smith, we've come to buy Mummy's wine."
7. That awkward moment when your toddler approaches another dad in the park, calling him "Daddy", and you blush and start to explain in a louder voice than necessary to no one in particular "that's not Daddy! He's at work" thereby pointing out you didn't have a fling with a married man with two kids and get pregnant and you aren't of dubious character.
8. At playgroup, you ask one of the regulars when the baby is due. As you say it, you realise by her devastated expression that she's not pregnant, but carrying a bit of extra weight, and so you start to pretend you were talking about someone else and then you start apologising and... oh God.
9. When your child asks what stars are made of in front of their teacher and you have no idea whatsoever but you saw Professor Brian Cox explain it once, you either mutter "gases and stuff" or lie: "We've been through this, darling! Do I have to explain it again? We'll go over it again when we get home."
10. As you lean over at a friend's house to pick up crumbs of Quavers which missed your child's mouth, you audibly break wind. Completely involuntarily but that's pelvic floors for you. You blame your child, obviously (which in a way is the truth after the battering your body took when you gave birth). But both you and your friend know it was you.
11. You pop into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, get distracted by something that needs doing, suddenly wake up to the fact there's no noise coming from the lounge, then remember you left an open tub of Sudocrem on the side so you run in and find your toddler has smeared the entire contents of the pot across the telly, the carpet and the dog.
12. Getting drunk at the PTA ball, going to the loo with one of the mums and holding a graphic inter-cubicle conversation about your non-existent sex life and how heavy your periods have become and then stepping out and realising the deputy head, who's in the queue, has heard every word.
13. Going to work with your dress inside out. Answering the phone with your home phone number. And getting out your packed lunch only to find your son or daughter has got your salad and you've got their peanut butter sandwiches, a Frube and an apple.
14. Lecturing your kids on the importance of sportsmanship and respecting the ref - and then screaming at the officials when a decision goes against your child.
15. Claiming you were once cool, you went to Glastonbury "when it was good", you're really good at dancing (and demonstrating), talking about 'boy trouble', telling a joke, even breathing - this will always be considered a 'mum fail' by your adolescent kids. Sorry!
Do you have any mum fail moments you care to share? Go on..
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