Rex
Parenting, as we all know, is a minefield.
There's nothing more exasperating than hearing everyone else's mums and dads let their kids stay up late, eat crisps for breakfast and buy them the latest smartphone on the market.
So in the interests of making life easier all round, perhaps we should stick together, create a united front and sign up to the Parental Rules of Solidarity...
1. The Tooth Fairy
Financial rewards for teeth are set at a non-negotiable rate of 50p each.
Prevents your kids saying: "Well, my friend at school got £5 for her first tooth."
Which in turn prevents you responding: "Lucky old them, their tooth fairy is obviously recession-proof."
Which sidesteps having to explain economics that you don't really understand to a six-year-old who will spot holes in your lecture and make you feel stupid.
2. Father Christmas
If you have a chimney, Santa comes down that way. If you don't have a chimney, Mummy or Daddy lets him in through the front door.
His sleigh is powered by magic not jet-powered turbo boosters and the Father Christmases out and about in the run up to Christmas are not the real one, they're his helpers.
A mince pie, carrot and drink will suffice on Christmas Eve – fake reindeer droppings left in the hall are just too elaborate.
Any deviation from this will lead to questions which will ruin everything.
3. Death
When people die, they go to heaven, which is a place very high up in the sky that has loads of toys and sweets. Repeat this ad nauseum to any further questions. Otherwise there will be nightmares and that equals less sleep, which as we're all aware, is to be avoided at all costs.
4. Soft Play
As soon as children are able to play by themselves, then we all stick by the 'mummies and daddies aren't allowed into the soft play area'. Anyone going in to play with their kids after this point is expected to be the host parent for the duration of the play session.
5. Jabs
They might hurt a little bit. If you don't subscribe to this and believe in telling the painful truth, feel free to drag our kids along screaming to the surgery for their vaccinations and deal with their tears.
6. Bed time
The same time every day – 7.30pm at the latest – bar Fridays and Saturdays, when it's extended to 8pm. That's for parents. The kids can sort themselves out, frankly.
7. Sex
Special cuddles are as far as we go when explaining how babies are made. Graphically honest explanations will come back to haunt you when other parents find out you've spilled the birds and the bees and label you 'swingers'.
If you are caught in the act by your kids, always say you're looking for lost contact lenses or your children will turn into axe murderers.
8. Curfews
Teenagers must be home by 8pm at the latest. Because we'll need their help when it comes to getting the Blueray recordable video cassette computer thingie to tape that programme on at half past.
9. Exams
No one ever got anywhere without working hard, revising and giving their best during their exams. That is the official line. Do not mention multi-millionaire celebrities who left school with nothing. Or that term you bunked off every college lecture because they started ridiculously early – at 11am – and you still passed.
10. Alcohol
Just because our parents let us get tipsy at 14 doesn't mean we should do the same. Look what happened to us. The only way is to ban booze until 18. That way, we've always got a sober 17-year-old to drive us home from the pub.
Would you agree? Strength in solidarity? Or let's celebrate our different parenting styles?