I want to be Pippa Middleton. No, I do. Like, REALLY. Because at a time when everyone in the media is attempting to tweet, blog, Pinterest, Tumblr – Christ, some people are even back on Myspace – and Facebook their way to employment, the 29-year-old has been given a column in Waitrose Kitchen magazine. Just like that.
It will cover recipes and casual dining - no matter that her book Celebrate on exactly the same thing was universally panned ("What's the point of this?" – The Telegraph, "Strikes a dumb note" – The Times, "Exposes the hellish reality of a Middleton do" – The Week). I mean, who cares when the writer's the most famous bridesmaid of all time?
Here in the real world where 2.5million people in the UK are unemployed and getting a job - any job - is a Hunger Games-style task in which you have to infect your opponents with Norovirus to be appointed (I'm kidding, sort of) wouldn't being Pippa be marvellous?
You'd get a £400,000 advance for your literary debut. You'd get to dash off to parties in Paris and New York. No one would ever joke about your bum to your face, despite it being incredibly prolific.
But the best thing about being Pippa would be that despite having zero knowledge AND this being evidenced in print, you would still be able to usurp someone who's acknowledged as a national treasure from your chosen profession. Someone like Pippa's predecessor Delia Smith CBE, for example, who "parted company" with the supermarket chain in January.
So how does one get places with Pippa panache? Are we all just going about this employment thing the wrong way? Let's have a look at why she got the job at Waitrose.
William Sitwell, Editor of Waitrose Kitchen magazine, said: "Pippa will be an excellent contributor to the magazine, bringing with her a wealth of experience of entertaining, gained in part from working at her family's party business."
Er, hang on, if a "wealth of experience" is the ticket, wouldn't they have been better sticking with Delia's 50 years in the business?
Sitwell continues: "Readers will love her relaxed and easy entertaining ideas which will help with the preparation for all sorts of occasions."
Dude, hate to be the one to break this to you, but readers are united in their stance of, in fact, NOT loving Pippa's easy entertaining ideas. That's why her book ended up in the half price bin at Christmas.
Hmmm, so Sitwell's comments aren't incredibly helpful. Shall we have a look at Pippa's? She says the column is "an exciting opportunity to share my own passion and enthusiasm for food and entertaining and I can't wait to get started".
Right, so it's all about being upbeat, enthusiastic, go-getting and ready to roll. Being the Duchess of Cambridge's sister probably helps but I think that position's already taken. Typical, eh?
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