The Only Way Is Essex: Rise Of The Joey Essex Clones

11/07/2013 20:11 | Updated 22 May 2015

Joey Essex is opening a clothes shop and wants every member of staff to look like him. Luckily new character Danny Walia is already two steps ahead of him, hurrah! Will Gore on episode three of TOWIE

The production staff on The Only Way is Essex must be one of the hardest working teams in the wide world of television. High praise perhaps, but it's thoroughly deserved.

dan doing joey

Having to find someone thicker than dear old Joey Essex must have been quite a task, but the TOWIE team have surpassed themselves by sticking Danny Walia (pronounced Wally-Er?) in the new series. This week Danny revealed the shock news that he got a D and E in his GCSEs. If ever Michael Gove needed proof exams are too easy these days, then he's got it right there.

Danny might not be a match Joey as far as intelligence is concerned but this hasn't stopped him from indulging in a spot of hero worship. With the kind of simple twist of fate I'm sure Bob Dylan had in mind, Danny was expressing his wish to become "an Asian Joey Essex" at exactly the same moment our Joe was at the hairdressers telling Little Chris he wanted to employ staff for his new clothes shop who look exactly like himself.

joey hair

In fact his exact words were, "the shop will be like a fashion museum, with loads of Joey Essexes running around the street". Apparently Charlie Brooker has already copyrighted this, frankly, terrifying vision of the future for the next series of Black Mirror.

Danny joined the other wannabe Joeys outside the shop waiting their turn to be interviewed. One thing's for sure, that angry bald bloke brought in once a year to terrify candidates on The Apprentice has got nothing to worry about. The toughest question Joey threw at his potential employees was, "did you brush your eyebrows this morning?" Diags probably screwed up his chances of gainful employment by answering no.

If Danny really does want to become the new Joey then sadly for him he's going to have to copy his hero's new haircut. For some obscure reason it's called The Fusey. A more apt moniker would have been The Mushroom, or better still The Mushroom Cloud, such is its scale of disaster. It says something that Joey looked more stylish when he had his new do covered up with a beanie hat that Dappy from N-Dubz rejected on the grounds it made him look too ridiculous.

Imagine for a moment that this instalment of TOWIE was an episode of The Wonder Years. What would be the moral of the story be, the take-home message to improve all our lives? With Danny and his Joey Essex infatuation in mind, it would have to be simply, choose your heroes carefully or you'll end up with The Fusey.



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