The 10 Ironies Of Pregnancy

22/01/2014 11:09 | Updated 22 May 2015

The 10 ironies of pregnancyistock

Growing a human being is the single most amazing thing a woman will ever do. Pregnancy is incredible – every new experience a complete wonder, a miracle.

I enjoyed both of my pregnancies immensely, and I remember the time I spent with the babies in my belly very fondly.

But if you're about to embark on your own pregnancy journey, there are a just few little ironies you should know about:


1. Whether you have planned your pregnancy or not, the very instant you see that blue line appear, the tiny blue line that changes everything, will probably also be the very instant in your life at which you most want an absolutely enormous gin and tonic.


2. Ah! Morning sickness! The best cure for morning sickness is eating something. What does the process of making a sandwich do? It makes you want to hurl.

3. The first several weeks, before you acquire your baby bump, will see you positively bloom in the lady bumpz region. You'll look in the mirror and think your boobs have never looked so good, and your partner will no doubt agree – but by god if he comes anywhere near those gorgeously rotund orbs of agony...

4. Certainly for the first trimester, and possibly beyond, you will experience a sort of tiredness you never thought possible – you suddenly need about 12 hours sleep a night. But you won't get it, because you'll have to get up and have a wee every hour and a half.

5. This, I feel, is one of the cruellest ironies and it can last your whole pregnancy. You might not have touched a drop of alcohol – you have probably abstained at all the barbecues, watched your friends and partner get sozzled at your own birthday party, perhaps just had a sniff of your mum's glass of port at Christmas so you can feel a bit festive. Even so, you'll wake up every morning with a dry mouth, a pounding headache and a faint nausea that feels exactly like a bloody hangover.

6. All the varnish on your toe nails will chip off on the very day that you can no longer bend down to paint them. Warning: do not ask your husband to do it for you, it might end in your feet looking like they have been run over. Get a girlfriend round.

7. You might experience a huge boost to your libido – but suddenly, you actually do have a headache all the time.


8. Some ironies are cruellest not to us but to our partners. Here's an example. On one of those days when you're feeling like a bit of a whale, and you're thinking, 'I just want him to tell me I'm still beautiful', he will get the timing absolutely bang on and say: "Darling, you know you're absolutely beautiful." And, for some reason, you will want to punch him in the face.


9. When you're getting really quite huge and what you really need is an opportunity to glam up a bit and head out for a meal (or anywhere you can sit down and not move for a few hours), your prettiest shoes will no longer fit because your feet have turned into plates.

10. Finally, your gorgeous little person will burst into the world. Every symptom of pregnancy that has been a chore (perhaps you haven't even realised how much of a chore) will disappear overnight.

No more headaches, no more backache, your feet will return to their normal size. And guess what?

Even as you watch that beautiful baby sleeping soundly in his moses basket, you'll find your hand wandering to your belly – because you miss being pregnant.

Did you love or loathe being pregnant? If you're pregnant now, do any of these ironies ring true for you?

Watch: The Parentdish community talk about their experiences of pregnancy

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