Laura Kemp counts the ways...
1. Fridge Blindness.
Do we need anything from the shops, you ask. Oh bless you, you're only trying to help. But believe it or not, sometimes we don't know off the tops of our heads if we need more Frubes. And sometimes we'd like time off from being the Cupboard Monitor. We don't mean to sound ungrateful but could you check yourselves?
2. Which leads us on to 'Where is such-and-such?' Amnesia. Yes, we know we know where everything is but that's only because we're considered the safety net. Just a suggestion but perhaps you could put your keys, wallet and phone in the same place every day when you come in then you won't lose them?
3. Senseless Stacking.
Thanks so much for doing it but *whisper* loading the dishwasher without maximising the space available means a) nothing gets properly cleaned, b) there's only room for two plates and the takeaway cartons on the bottom shelf, and c) we end up having to re-do it.
4. Dish Dumping.
If we mention the above, husbands will simply leave their plate in the sink in protest.
5. Pillow Talk.
Not sweet nothings but 2.37am random ramblings – which we can tease you about the next day - shortly after which you turn over and go back to sleep, leaving us counting sheep until 5am.
6. See also Snoring.
Please don't take offence if we go up to bed earlier than you, we're just trying to drop off because you start gargling snooker balls within one second of you hitting the sack.
7. Man Needs Meat.
Even though you insist you went veggie for Morrissey in the 80s, these days something needs to have died for you to feel you've had a proper dinner. Not the kids though, who'll happily have cheesy pasta until the cows come home.
8. Boozy Boasting.
Two pints and you're adorably relaxed. Four and you're retelling that story about the time you made everyone in the entire universe laugh with that amazing put-down to that bloke in the pub.
9. Pinny Prowess.
Yes, your slow-cooked ground spices chicken tikka rogan josh is out of this world but any chance you could stop asking us if it's nice every five seconds because we're trying to eat it.
10. Fierce Football Training.
It is lovely to see you playing with the kids and yes, you're quite right they need to learn to 'tough-it-out' but when one of them gets a ball on the nose, it isn't going to turn them soft if you check they're OK rather than shout "MAN UP, YOU WIMP".
11. Dad Dieting.
You have done amazingly on that diet, really the weight has just fallen off, you're incredible when you set your mind to it. But please don't rub it in when we haven't even lost half-a-pound yet.
12. Cuddles and Compliments.
A 'you look nice' from behind a paper or a laptop screen does the complete opposite of what you intend it to do. Yes, we women are ridiculous. Eye contact and especially a hug will convince us you really mean it (even if you don't but this is the one time when we don't want to hear the truth). Just watch how we melt when one of the kids tells us we look beautiful!
13. DIY Diva.
You know when you say you're going to put that shelf up and take the stuff down the tip and clear the shed and all that? Would you mind doing it? Rather than just sticking a pencil behind your ear, huffing about inspecting your tool box and drinking tea. A man who gets things done is more likely to get his wife going, if you know what we mean.
Please don't say you're 'babysitting' the kids if we're on a mums' night out. They're your kids too!
15. Fancy Dress.
We know you hate the idea of that fancy dress party at the weekend. Just humour us and take part – we love a bloke with a sense of humour.
Do you have any more to add? Men, your turn too on what stresses you out about women?
More on Parentdish: Read the husbands v children survey
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