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35 And Suddenly Single: Fertility Futility

14/08/2014 16:51 | Updated 22 May 2015

35 and Suddenly Single:  Fertility futility

I know people are only trying to be helpful. I like to think I give good, practical advice to friends in their hour of need too. But a couple of people have asked me since it all happened if I've thought about freezing my eggs. I react, dumbstruck at first and then with a stutter. "Er... no."

Of course, it IS a very sensible idea and something I should investigate, but sometimes these suggestions just hit me so hard that it's the least I can do not to cry or scream or collapse or do something where I can show just how I feel about my situation. But I don't because I come from a family where we are nothing if not stoical and keep it in, stare them in the eye and say "You're right, I'll look into it..."

Others have suggested I go for a more general fertility check where they can do clever things like count how many eggs I have left (how?!). After a bit of googling I find that it's considerably cheaper than going the whole hog and freezing my eggs but then it hits me again and I can't quite believe it's me I'm doing the research for, and not just out of some vague curiosity either.

This is now my life. Must get used to it.

I'm alternating between extreme desolation and numbness, where the whole thing feels almost surreal.

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Less than a month ago I thought that checking my fertility was going to involve having sex around the right time, crossing my fingers and seeing if anything happened.

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If it didn't happen after a while then my husband and I might have to start involving the medical establishment.

But now it feels like I to have to put the cart before the horse in all matters fertility-related and involve them now just to be on the safe side.

I do have reasons to be hopeful that putting off motherhood for a year or few may not be the end of the world for me. My mum had me at 42 years old (although I am her third child) and my dad was 44 and they didn't need any help so I just hope I've got lucky fertile genes.

However, I didn't ever think I'd be in the position where I'd have to risk it so much and put my fate down to biological luck. Life wasn't meant to be this way. It really sucks.

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