I don't want to do anything. I just can't face it. Getting on with day to day life is hard enough but I just can't contemplate the tsunami of admin coming my way.
Usually I'm an organised and realistic person who doesn't put my head in the sand, but my lack of action is telling me otherwise at the moment.
I wouldn't say I'm depressed but the numbness and total apathy I'm feeling must just be my way of coping with what's happened, I guess. Sometimes it feels like it's someone else's life not mine.
When I'm describing the latest turn of events to friends it feels like I'm talking about some poor bastard I know, not me. The detachment is strange and I'm just overwhelmed with this inertia of not wanting to sort stuff out.
Getting on with things means I have to get down and dirty with the detail and work things out I never thought I'd have to. It also means I have to start telling lots of people I don't know about my personal tragedy and I hate feeling like a failure.
But my marriage failed and there's no way around it. Whether I feel I was much to blame is neither here nor there to most people. "You want kids, he doesn't. Get over it, love."
There's the house to deal with first. We bought it together a year ago on a first time buyer's mortgage with a small deposit so the monthly payments aren't small. I'm trying to find a lodger but haven't exactly been inundated with interested parties yet, probably because the price is relatively high for the area, and I've already dropped it twice already.
He knows I don't want to give the cottage up and that I want to stay in it and is happy if I do, but I just don't know if that will be possible. I may have to sell up and that would just be horrible. This is my home that I've put my heart and soul into improving it and I love it.
No wonder I don't want to think about the immediate future much. So much uncertainty day after day means that I've kind of switched off from the reality. Much easier to enjoy the sunshine and pretend it's not happening for a little bit longer. I can tell the mortgage company next week, or maybe the one after...
At least the car has been transferred in to my name now. Baby steps.
Men never have to think of this when they split up but I also need to change my name back to my maiden one, through Deed Poll apparently, so I can start telling the bank, DVLA, insurance companies and other organisations to step sending stuff to me in my married one.
I can't say I'm unhappy at losing the surname though. It was always a clunky thing to say. Every cloud and all that...
I've never been one to wish my life away at all, but I just wish this could all be over, and that it's autumn already and months away from THAT DAY and I don't have this massive mess that is currently my life to clean up ahead of me. I so want it behind me but the effort required to get it behind me seems overpowering right now.
Considering that my day job involves some project management I should have a plan and a checklist to methodically work through. But all I have in my head is an image of a huge pile of crap, best avoided. There's always another game of Candy Crush Saga to play on my phone...
I'm winning top prize for procrastination and no mistake.