I've spent probably five maybe even six months writing this blog post, re-writing it over and over again as I find it very hard to talk about.
I was a 16 years old when I found myself with a lad only a year older than myself. Now from the outside looking in to that moment in my life, like a person staring into a snow globe, I find my present self angry at myself for believing something that was clearly untrue. For you see... he was cruel and manipulative.
Looking back at it all now I let him get away with so many things and I wish I could come up with a reason why I did, but there is no reason to it all. I let him do what he wanted with me and that was what got me in a position of having to go through an abortion at just 17 years old. I'd only just begun my studies at college and here I was, making the hardest decision I have ever made in my 25 years on this earth. It still upsets me, so writing this isn't easy. In fact I'm teary just remembering it all right now.
For a long time I felt I was a murderer and did the wrong thing. But then he reminded me of what could have happened. He lashed out at his mother who simply asked if he could help move the new dining table for her. When he came back to his room in a mood he asked what I thought and I said his mother only wanted some help with moving something too heavy for her to do alone.
He looked at me like I had insulted him, his eyes glared at me and I could feel my heart drop a beat before he grabbed me and held me down on his bed. Within seconds my heart went from a slow beat to a speed so fast it felt any second now it would have jumped out of my chest.
I went to scream but he gagged me, I could not get my eyes away from his and I honestly feared what he was going to do to me. I did what I could; I kneed him very hard in the groin. Like any man he reacted and let me go. I don't know why I did but I rushed under his computer desk and curled up. He begged for me to come out from under there and kept saying he didn't mean to hurt me. I told him I didn't want to be with him.
All this reminded me that I made the right choice. Why bring up a child whose father thinks it's okay to be violent to women? Why would I want a life to have to suffer in the hands of such a disgusting person?
That wasn't the last of him, he tried to stab me with scissors as our parents chatted in the garden. Even though this happened eight years ago he still tries to find ways to get in contact with me.
I do sometimes wonder "what if..." but the man who made my teenage years a living hell comes back to my mind and I feel I did what was right for everyone, not just myself.
Stay-at-home mummy of a 3 year old boy and another on the way. Cloth Nappy Connoisseur which is posh for "Addict".
Blogs at: Petit Mom
Twitter: @petitmew