Celebrity Crimes Against Parenting

14/08/2014 16:48 | Updated 22 May 2015
Celebrities - should they just keep it zipped with the parenting advice?

Do you think that celebs should have some kind of gagging order imposed on them once they produce offspring? A ban on them sharing their oh-so-unique brand of parenting with the world?

When Gwyneth Paltrow blithely announced that she restricted her kids' intake of carbs and sugars, the collective parental eyebrow raised to hitherto unreached heights: who in their right mind would deny a growing child a plate of pasta or the joys of a sweet treat a couple of times a week?

And while Gwynnie-bashing is oh-so-easy (because face it, she is the go-to girl for bat-poo kid-based crazy talk) she is by no means the only showbiz parent who has caused a stir with their maternal mutterings or paternal patter. So sit back and enjoy our top 10 examples of celebrity parenting prowess...

At 10

Career before children...

"I didn't dare pick up my daughters when they were small because of the risk of straining a back muscle."

This little gem came from ballet star Darcey Bussell, yah! OK, so if you are a prima ballerina we kind of understand that you can't afford to get injured, but REALLY, what mum FEARS picking up their own kids? Just bend those knees, Darce, bend those knees.

At nine

Instilling healthy eating practices...

"It's a weaning process... I think it's adorable."

This was Alicia Silverstone on her love of pre-mastication – that's chewing some food and transferring MOUTH TO MOUTH to your child to you and me, but whatever name it goes by, it is simply Plain Wrong, and frankly it made Alicia sound like someone had been mouth-to-mouth feeding her something heavily laced with crazy juice.

At eight

Not hitting the bottle!

There's nothing quite like a breast-vesus-bottle debate to get the celebs clambering for their respective corners – we've seen some beauts over this one, but model Gisele Bundchen really takes the biscuit with her assertion that bottle milk should actually be ILLEGAL!

"I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months," the mum of one said, failing however to offer up any suggestion as to what mums who CAN'T breastfeed might do...

At seven

Extreme earth-mummying...

A part of us all wants to be the earth mother when we first have a baby. How fortunate for those celebs who do not have Real Life beating at their door and making a gentle, lentil-weaving existence impossible once partners return to work, sleep has to be had and bills have to be paid...

According to Blossom star Mayim Bialik, child-rearing should be about 'attachment parenting' and that means 'natural childbirth, bed-sharing, extended breastfeeding, gentle discipline, homeschooling and no outside child-care'.

And a trust fund and housekeeper, too, we presume.

At six

OTT parental control...

Now, parenting can certainly get tougher if you are going through divorce, and perhaps it was all the stress of her break-up from Guy Ritchie that caused Madonna to allegedly assert that their kids should only drink water 'blessed' by Kabbalah leaders and that they were not allowed to watch TV or DVDs, a or read magazines or newspapers when in his care... None stop fun, eh?

(Is this why Lourdes reportedly got her own apartment at 16 we wonder?)

At five

Getting back to nature...

To prove it's not just mums who go a bit barmy when the baby hormones kick in, we present you with actor Matthew McConaughey. The Dazed and Confused star decided to share with the world that he had buried his son's placenta in an orchard to help promote growth of the plants and trees.

"It's going to be in the orchards and it's going to bear some wonderful fruit," he told CNN in 2008, sounding not unlike a freshly picked plum himself.

At four

Shhhh! I'm trying to give birth!

Giving birth is about pain, mess, noise and more pain, mess and noise. These are the Facts of Life. Unless you are Kelly Preston and the teachings of your weird religious cult dictate otherwise...

"Silent birth is basically just no words as much as possible. If you need to moan, if you need to cry out ... of course that's normal. But, it's just bringing them in, in as peaceful and gentle a way as possible," Kel told the world after revealing that, in accordance with Scientology ways, she had laboured in silence...

At three

Who's the mummy?

Sometimes, in an attempt to be the totally cool laid back celeb mum, those showbiz types just end up making themselves look... well, a bit attention-seeky. Living their lives through their kids, perhaps. Trying too hard to be down with the kids.

We bring you Jada Pinkett Smith, mum to Willow, who took to Facebook to justify allowing the then-12-year-old a neon yellow, pink and green buzz cut.

"When you have a little girl, it's like how can you teach her that you're in control of her body? If I teach her that I'm in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she's going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world."

Er, yeah, right on sista, but erm, she is 12...


Waste not, want not...

January Jones went from screen siren to post-birth placenta munching weirdo in one fell swoop when she decided to share the fact she'd had her placenta dried and made into capsules which she then knocked back on a regular basis to ward off the baby blues.

"I was never depressed or sad or down after the baby was born, so I'd highly suggest it to any pregnant woman," Jan told Glamour magazine last year, adding that it was not in the slightest bit 'gross or witchcrafty'.

If you say so, love...

And the number one spot goes to...

The celeb mum you can always rely on...

Ah, Gywnnie. We're back to you again. We just have to put you at number one for your multiple crimes against parenting. From your carb free diet drivel, to your insistence that your kids Apple and Moses can only watch the telly if it is a Spanish or French language show, to telling the world that you let your daughter pull sickies from school for lunches out and beauty salon trips, and for admitting you gave in to her demands at FIVE to get her ears pierced. Oh, and for calling her Apple. Sorry.


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